# 13 Two Weeks
I know that in the movie, this is Arnold in drag, but this woman is nasty looking. The turkey neck coupled with her awesomely red hair makes her a sight to behold. When I was younger, this scene used to scare the crap out of me for some reason, and is probably one of the reasons that I do not fully trust gingers. You never know, they could all just be Arnold in disguise.
# 12 What is That? Is That A Hammerhead Shark/Sewer Rat Hybrid?
I know that some of my younger friends are going to raise hell for this one, but let me be frank, TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT HOT! In fact I find her to be quite ugly. The title pretty much sums it up, she looks like a cross between a sewer rat and a hammerhead shark. Her eyes are so damn far apart that you could punch her square in the face and not give her a black eye. Also her lips are pursed like she is constantly gnawing on a lemon or Sour Atomic Warhead. If you are into that kind of thing, fine, to each his own, but count me out. I do think that she would kick some serious ass in a game of Marco Polo with her full 360 degrees of under water visibility.
# 11 Thank God She Dies
Now Mrs. Sturak is only in the movie for about ten minutes, but she makes a serious impact. She s the quintessential ugly old chick with her poofy white hair, gross smoker's yellow teeth, and a voice that sound like someone has a bullfrog in a choke hold. Not to mention that she is a total jerk to all of the kids. It is usually not cool when old people die, but she really had it coming. Good riddance.
# 10 I'm Cheating but Still Ugly
Ok so technically Ms Doubtfire is not a woman, but I would be remised if I did not include "it" on the list. Robin Williams is ugly, but Robin Williams in old lady drag is almost unspeakable. Now I decided to use a re-cut trailer of the movie that makes it look like a horror film to help express the true terror that is Robin Williams in gross old lady drag.
*Honorable Mention*
Thanks for Everything
I decided that I would only allow one drag queen on the list, but it would be plain wrong of me if I did not even mention the cast of To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar. Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo, and the late Patrick Swayze all in drag. Wow they make some ugly women.
# 9 One Hell of a Makeover
Charlize Theron is smoking hot, even when she is playing a mentally retarded english chick on Arrested Development. That is why this ugly chick is so damn impressive. They went from offensively attractive Charlize Theron to crack whore look-a-like. That must have been some serious make up work, and damn them for doing it. Sure it nabbed her an Oscar, but at what cost Charlize, at what cost?
# 8 Surprise, Surprise, Another Ginger
Man, every movie that Molly Ringwall is made 125% grosser just because she is in it. She is a whinny, toothy, awkward brat and I cannot stand her. Only in the 80s can a ginger this gross find so much fame and fortune. Luckily once the logical 90s rolled around, we dropped her like a gross ginger girlfriend. The sad thing is, she is the only chick in the "Brat Pack", and those guys wouldn't touch her with a 20 foot pole.
# 7 The Romanovian Rose
Hell yeah, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar. There are fewer things hotter than the Princess Leia buns mixed with an Englishman's teeth and Eugene Levy's eyebrows. Man not only is this chick gross, but she is also beefy as hell. She is the most dangerous woman in the world with a dodgeball, and to look at.
# 6 Look Who Made the List Again
I hate to repeat myself, but holy hell Large Marge is ugly. You know that you are a looker when you have the word large in your name. She has the sex appeal of a lesbian lumberjack and a matching jacket to complete the set. However, this version of Large Marge is a beauty pageant winner compared to her deformed ghost face. Not even a face that a mother could love.
# 5 Do You Believe in Magic
Now Emma Thompson is not exactly a looker, but the make up treatment that she got in Nanny McPhee makes her look like a train wreck (if that train was filled with cadavers). She has the nose of Ernest Borgnine, the teeth of Donkey from Shrek, and the physique of Danny DeVitto. That is a combo from hell, and Nanny McPhee pull it off in strides.
# 4 Oh That's What's Eating Gilbert Grape
I am not going to say anything, but wow.
# 3 A Lot of Night Games
Marla Hooch is definitely the most likable person on the list, but my God she is ugly. She has a chin that could be used to cut roast beef, and a voice so deep that it rivals James Earl Jones'. You know you are ugly when your looks are a running joke in the movie. Not to mention that you are staring in a movie with Rosie O'Donnell and her looks are NEVER brought up, not even once. Thats got to be a shot to your ego...
# 2 I Wouldn't Put This Oil On My Salad
The character of Olive Oil is one of the most hideous cartoon character's ever drawn (coming in 2nd only to South Park's rendition of Snookie). If I was a woman and someone approached me about playing Olive Oil in a live adaptation of Popeye, I would slap them in the face and then kill myself. The sad thing is, Shelly Duvall pulls it off so damn well. I feel so bad for her, and hate her at the same time.
# 1 This Is What Happens When You Breed a Human With a Bulldog
Words cannot begin to describe how ugly this woman is. Anne Ramsey who starred in both Throw Mama From the Train and Goonies, makes you cringe every time she is on the screen. She has the jowls of a very well groomed english bulldog and the voice of a 80 year old man who smokes three cartons a day. I love this woman because you can use her as an example:
"Man that chick was ugly, now she wasn't "the mom from the Goonies" ugly, but she is ugly".
Friday, October 22, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Thursday Throw Down 5
GENERIC 90s ROCK BAND BATTLE ROYALE
vs.
Third Eye Blind
vs.
The Goo Goo Dolls
vs.
Match Box 20
vs.
Sugar Ray
vs.
Smash Mouth
vs.
*LATE EDITION!!!*
Hootie and the Blow Fish
Ok everyone please vote on the poll who you think would win in a free-for-all Battle Royale to the death.
The 90's was an awesome decade for mediocre music, and nothing was more mediocre than rock music in the 90's. I have decided to change the Thursday Throw Down a bit and allow you to vote on who you think would win in a 90s Rock Band Battle Royale. Each week, there will be a new Battle Royale that you can vote on. Enjoy:
The Wallflowers
vs.
Third Eye Blind
vs.
The Goo Goo Dolls
vs.
Match Box 20
vs.
Sugar Ray
vs.
Smash Mouth
vs.
*LATE EDITION!!!*
Hootie and the Blow Fish
Ok everyone please vote on the poll who you think would win in a free-for-all Battle Royale to the death.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wednesday Worst # 9
WORST PSA EVER!!!
The reason that this is so bad is because of how serious it is taking itself. I mean come on, this is Pee Wee Herman talking about crack. I am not saying that he shouldn't speak out about drugs, but something this serious is funny because it is Pee Wee Herman with a straight face talking about crack. This actually makes me want to try crack...too bad you don't know how much it takes to kill you. Shame.
The reason that this is so bad is because of how serious it is taking itself. I mean come on, this is Pee Wee Herman talking about crack. I am not saying that he shouldn't speak out about drugs, but something this serious is funny because it is Pee Wee Herman with a straight face talking about crack. This actually makes me want to try crack...too bad you don't know how much it takes to kill you. Shame.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
People Ninjas Should Assassinate #7
DANCING WITH THE STARS
Now I am very aware that Dancing With the Stars is not a person, but everyone involved and anyone who supports this needs to be assassinated. I understand that I do have friends and colleagues who watch the show, so maybe fans shouldn't be murdered, but they should be maimed at the least. First of all these people ate not "stars". All they are are B-C level celebrities and athletes are WAY over the hill. There isn't even an inkling of a star on the entire TV show. Also, they are doing something that ANYONE can do, what is next "Walking With the Stars", "Shitting With the Stars", or "Eating With the Stars"? I have the same gripe with American Idol, but I will save that for another time Anyone who watches, stars, or is involved in making this garbage deserve to have this happen to them:
Now I am very aware that Dancing With the Stars is not a person, but everyone involved and anyone who supports this needs to be assassinated. I understand that I do have friends and colleagues who watch the show, so maybe fans shouldn't be murdered, but they should be maimed at the least. First of all these people ate not "stars". All they are are B-C level celebrities and athletes are WAY over the hill. There isn't even an inkling of a star on the entire TV show. Also, they are doing something that ANYONE can do, what is next "Walking With the Stars", "Shitting With the Stars", or "Eating With the Stars"? I have the same gripe with American Idol, but I will save that for another time Anyone who watches, stars, or is involved in making this garbage deserve to have this happen to them:
Monday, October 18, 2010
Weekly Rant # 8
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF??? Shitty and inconsiderate drivers. This has gotten out of hand, and someone needs to do something about it. Here is an example. On Saturday, I was driving on the freeway and there was an accident in the middle lane. Traffic was moving, but very slowly. Out of my rearview mirror I saw a little compact car take off down the shoulder at very unsafe speeds. They passed some 20 cars and then tried to cut me off. I was not going to allow this bitch to get away with this so I moved my truck forward, did this stop her...NO! She still tried to get in front of my risking doing damage to both our cars. When I laid on my horn ever so nicely, she put her car in park, and got out like she was going to try and fight me. Now understand, I would NEVER lay my hand on a woman, EVER, but when she started walking towards my truck screaming at me the only thing that went through my mind is, I can seriously mess this crazy bitch up. Needless to say I gave her an unwavering stare, followed by my favorite finger. She got in her car, cut across two more lanes and sped off. Now where is this long winded story going? I understand that people are shitty and inconsiderate drivers, its nature, but where have our manners gone. If this crazy lady had just given me an "I'm sorry" wave, it would not have been a problem, but she didn't. What has this world come to, that people don't even give the friendly wave any more? That is outrageous that common courtesy has flown out the window and been replaced with childish behavior. I know that this rant is not necessarily very funny, but it is bugging the absolute shit out of me. People need to start their fellow man with common courtesy, or at least give a friendly wave. How fucking hard is it to extend one hand and move to to and fro? I understand if you are paralyzed or had a stroke...thats fine, you have a medical excuse. The rest of you assholes better start because I'M SICK OF IT!!!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday Worst # 8
Oh Hai Mark!
After seeing Troll 2, I thought that I had seen the worst that the silver screen had to offer. That was until two very good friends of mine turned me on to "The Room". A film that was written, produced, directed, and acted by a man who I swear to God english has to be his 6th or 7th language. He kind of reminds me of the giant bug from Men in Black who tries to act human. This man has absolutely no understanding of the english language, and yet he claims to be from Louisiana. I cannot figure it out, but after you watch this clip, you will be hooked on the worst movie ever made.
After seeing Troll 2, I thought that I had seen the worst that the silver screen had to offer. That was until two very good friends of mine turned me on to "The Room". A film that was written, produced, directed, and acted by a man who I swear to God english has to be his 6th or 7th language. He kind of reminds me of the giant bug from Men in Black who tries to act human. This man has absolutely no understanding of the english language, and yet he claims to be from Louisiana. I cannot figure it out, but after you watch this clip, you will be hooked on the worst movie ever made.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Friday Countdown # 7: The Top 13 Creepiest People Ever
# 13 The Whole World in His Hands
Man Steve Buschemi is already creepy enough, but when you make him a mass murderer, game over. There is something so unsettling about his laid back, monotone attitude, and I am pretty sure they he doesn't blink. Why won't he blink? In the scene with the little girl I was 100% convinced that he was going to eat/rape her. You know you are creepy when rape and cannibalism pop into my head that easily.
# 12 The Man With No Face
This is an example of someone who is not intentionally creepy, but he is none the less. I have had some major issues with my neighbors, but I thank my lucky stars that I do not have Wilson living next door to me. He is always peering over his neighbor's fence and dispensing advice. This guy has taken stalker to the whole new level. There is not a doubt in my mind that the soft spoken wilson has the bones of hundreds of little girls buried in his basement. Worst of all, you could never pick him out of a line up.
# 11 ps I'm Horny
Wow there are fewer things more wrong than a teacher hooking up with a student, but this takes it to a whole new level of creepy. The over weight, ex-pro wrestler turned principal who wants to have his way with Billy, is so damn off putting. His creepily well done valentine, followed by his awful "come hither" wave sends a chill down my spine.
#10 Call it Friendo
A lot of times creepy can be very funny, this is NOT one of those times. Anton Chigur is one of the best characters in recent history, and he is insanely creepy. He doesn't care who he kills or how he does it. When he walks into a room, you know that someone is going to die, and he is not even going to break a sweat or shed a tear for the fallen. His kills range from Mexican drug lords to a hotel manager with a kitty cat. Not to mention he rocks the Bieber haircut, man that shit is creepy.
# 9 Are You a Man or a Woman?
Wow, what the hell is this thing. Everything about Pat is overwhelmingly creepy, it's voice, outfit, and especially its F.U.P.A make it an oddity to behold. Although It't Pat is a terrible movie, I cannot look away because something about Pat is hypnotizing. Pat is weird enough, but when you ad Pat's girl/boyfriend Chris, Kathy Griffin, and a cameo by the band Ween, you have awkward creepy gold.
# 8 Is That Your Face?
The story of Rocky Dennis is a touching one. A boy with a deformed face and a heart of gold tries to fit in, but the harsh reality of society makes it blah blah blah. Look at this kid's face, I mean holy shit it is the most deformed thing I have seen since Kuato came out of that guy's stomach in total recall. I don't want to be mean, but you could land an F-15 on his forehead. His head is so massive that it couldn't even fit in Condoleezza Rice's tooth gap. Also, he looks oddly like Carrot Top, creepy!
# 7 Creepy Actor # 1
Holy shit Willem Dafoe is beyond creepy. Everything he does makes me feel uncomfortable, ranging from his creepily campy Green Goblin to his creepily horrible fake Mexican accent in Once Upon a Time in Mexico. I think his creepiness comes from the fact that his mouth is waaaay too big and it makes the wrinkles on his face look like some sort of talking long haired scrotum. That might not be the case, but he is still one of the creepiest non-fictional humans alive.
# 6 I Know You Are But What Am I
In a horror flick, a great way to get cheep scares is by using creepy children. In a comedy a great way to get unintentional scares is with a creepy man child. There is something very wrong with Pee Wee Herman. You never know exactly how old he is, but one thing is for certain...he is way too old to have that many toys and behave the way that he does. If Michael Jackson became a fictional character, he would most likely be Pee Wee Herman (minus the child molestation...ok maybe not minus the child molestation).
# 5 To the Light Carolann!!!
Poltergeist is a very creepy movie. It has everything, a creepy kid, creepy ghosts, and a creepy killer clown doll, but all those pale in comparison to the character of Tangia. When this creepy high pitched midget looking thing walks onto the screen, I piss my self and start crying. Just listen to her talk, it is the most god awful, creepy sounding voice on the planet. I shutter just thinking about her.
ps Imaging having to sleep with this woman and try not to laugh.
# 4 Creepy Actor # 2
Christopher Walken is one of my favorite people of all time, but there is no denying that he is the creepiest human being alive today. The way that he talks makes everything that comes out of his mouth extremely creepy, in a hilarious way. Ha can take the simplest thing like reading a children's book and make it terrifying. I would pay an unlimited amount of money to see someone re-make the movie Face-Off and replace John Travolta and Nick Cage with Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe. That would be incredible.
# 3 Is He Doing A Mangina Dance While Wearing a Suit Made Out of the Skin of Dead Fat Girls?
Again, creepy can be very funny, but in the case of Buffalo Bill, it is not. He is a serial killer who keeps fat girls in his basement so he can kill them, skin them, and make a suit out of their skin so he can be a woman. His infamous "Mangina Dance" (which I cannot show) is one of the most unsettling visions of all time, and has ruined the song "Goodbye Horses" for all of eternity.
# 2 The Creepiest Family of All Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCg4C04MY5s&feature=channel
(Sorry video 2 is on spanish)
For those of you who do not watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (start), you might not know who the McPoyles are. Forget the Manson family, people are seriously messed up. The main two McPoyles are Ryan and Liam who are always rocking robes with "tighty whities"; they are always overly sweaty; they drink way too much milk; and oh yeah they have sex with each other. Once you throw in their mute/unibrowed sister Margret, you have a creepy trio that knows no match. You don't meet the full family until season 4 (the group in the RV), and let me tell you, they only get creepier. There has to be some serious incest in this family because normal people do not create that caliber of creepy human beings on the reg.
# 1 Jonathan?
Salad Fingers is the inspiration behind making this list. Usually when I come up with a list, I get a whole lot of people in mind and create a list. Not this time, I started with # 1 and worked down in creepiness. I cannot even begin to describe how creepy and disturbing these videos are. Salad Fingers is one of those things that you cannot forget, no matter how much you try. Any time you are alone and you get the feeling you are being watched, you probably are...by Salad Fingers. Any time a noise wakes you up in the middle of the night...it's Salad Fingers. Any time your keys, glasses, or most importantly rust spoons go missing...don't worry it's Salad Fingers. Salad Fingers is one of those things that you cannot forget, no matter how much you try.
Man Steve Buschemi is already creepy enough, but when you make him a mass murderer, game over. There is something so unsettling about his laid back, monotone attitude, and I am pretty sure they he doesn't blink. Why won't he blink? In the scene with the little girl I was 100% convinced that he was going to eat/rape her. You know you are creepy when rape and cannibalism pop into my head that easily.
# 12 The Man With No Face
This is an example of someone who is not intentionally creepy, but he is none the less. I have had some major issues with my neighbors, but I thank my lucky stars that I do not have Wilson living next door to me. He is always peering over his neighbor's fence and dispensing advice. This guy has taken stalker to the whole new level. There is not a doubt in my mind that the soft spoken wilson has the bones of hundreds of little girls buried in his basement. Worst of all, you could never pick him out of a line up.
# 11 ps I'm Horny
Wow there are fewer things more wrong than a teacher hooking up with a student, but this takes it to a whole new level of creepy. The over weight, ex-pro wrestler turned principal who wants to have his way with Billy, is so damn off putting. His creepily well done valentine, followed by his awful "come hither" wave sends a chill down my spine.
#10 Call it Friendo
A lot of times creepy can be very funny, this is NOT one of those times. Anton Chigur is one of the best characters in recent history, and he is insanely creepy. He doesn't care who he kills or how he does it. When he walks into a room, you know that someone is going to die, and he is not even going to break a sweat or shed a tear for the fallen. His kills range from Mexican drug lords to a hotel manager with a kitty cat. Not to mention he rocks the Bieber haircut, man that shit is creepy.
# 9 Are You a Man or a Woman?
Wow, what the hell is this thing. Everything about Pat is overwhelmingly creepy, it's voice, outfit, and especially its F.U.P.A make it an oddity to behold. Although It't Pat is a terrible movie, I cannot look away because something about Pat is hypnotizing. Pat is weird enough, but when you ad Pat's girl/boyfriend Chris, Kathy Griffin, and a cameo by the band Ween, you have awkward creepy gold.
# 8 Is That Your Face?
The story of Rocky Dennis is a touching one. A boy with a deformed face and a heart of gold tries to fit in, but the harsh reality of society makes it blah blah blah. Look at this kid's face, I mean holy shit it is the most deformed thing I have seen since Kuato came out of that guy's stomach in total recall. I don't want to be mean, but you could land an F-15 on his forehead. His head is so massive that it couldn't even fit in Condoleezza Rice's tooth gap. Also, he looks oddly like Carrot Top, creepy!
# 7 Creepy Actor # 1
Holy shit Willem Dafoe is beyond creepy. Everything he does makes me feel uncomfortable, ranging from his creepily campy Green Goblin to his creepily horrible fake Mexican accent in Once Upon a Time in Mexico. I think his creepiness comes from the fact that his mouth is waaaay too big and it makes the wrinkles on his face look like some sort of talking long haired scrotum. That might not be the case, but he is still one of the creepiest non-fictional humans alive.
# 6 I Know You Are But What Am I
In a horror flick, a great way to get cheep scares is by using creepy children. In a comedy a great way to get unintentional scares is with a creepy man child. There is something very wrong with Pee Wee Herman. You never know exactly how old he is, but one thing is for certain...he is way too old to have that many toys and behave the way that he does. If Michael Jackson became a fictional character, he would most likely be Pee Wee Herman (minus the child molestation...ok maybe not minus the child molestation).
# 5 To the Light Carolann!!!
Poltergeist is a very creepy movie. It has everything, a creepy kid, creepy ghosts, and a creepy killer clown doll, but all those pale in comparison to the character of Tangia. When this creepy high pitched midget looking thing walks onto the screen, I piss my self and start crying. Just listen to her talk, it is the most god awful, creepy sounding voice on the planet. I shutter just thinking about her.
ps Imaging having to sleep with this woman and try not to laugh.
# 4 Creepy Actor # 2
Christopher Walken is one of my favorite people of all time, but there is no denying that he is the creepiest human being alive today. The way that he talks makes everything that comes out of his mouth extremely creepy, in a hilarious way. Ha can take the simplest thing like reading a children's book and make it terrifying. I would pay an unlimited amount of money to see someone re-make the movie Face-Off and replace John Travolta and Nick Cage with Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe. That would be incredible.
# 3 Is He Doing A Mangina Dance While Wearing a Suit Made Out of the Skin of Dead Fat Girls?
Again, creepy can be very funny, but in the case of Buffalo Bill, it is not. He is a serial killer who keeps fat girls in his basement so he can kill them, skin them, and make a suit out of their skin so he can be a woman. His infamous "Mangina Dance" (which I cannot show) is one of the most unsettling visions of all time, and has ruined the song "Goodbye Horses" for all of eternity.
# 2 The Creepiest Family of All Time
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCg4C04MY5s&feature=channel
(Sorry video 2 is on spanish)
For those of you who do not watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (start), you might not know who the McPoyles are. Forget the Manson family, people are seriously messed up. The main two McPoyles are Ryan and Liam who are always rocking robes with "tighty whities"; they are always overly sweaty; they drink way too much milk; and oh yeah they have sex with each other. Once you throw in their mute/unibrowed sister Margret, you have a creepy trio that knows no match. You don't meet the full family until season 4 (the group in the RV), and let me tell you, they only get creepier. There has to be some serious incest in this family because normal people do not create that caliber of creepy human beings on the reg.
# 1 Jonathan?
Salad Fingers is the inspiration behind making this list. Usually when I come up with a list, I get a whole lot of people in mind and create a list. Not this time, I started with # 1 and worked down in creepiness. I cannot even begin to describe how creepy and disturbing these videos are. Salad Fingers is one of those things that you cannot forget, no matter how much you try. Any time you are alone and you get the feeling you are being watched, you probably are...by Salad Fingers. Any time a noise wakes you up in the middle of the night...it's Salad Fingers. Any time your keys, glasses, or most importantly rust spoons go missing...don't worry it's Salad Fingers. Salad Fingers is one of those things that you cannot forget, no matter how much you try.
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