Friday, September 10, 2010

Friday Countdown # 4: The Top 13 Things That Scared the Shit Out of Me As a Kid

# 13 The Gate



I am not sure what it was about this movie, but when I was young it scarred me shit.  It had zombies, little goblins, ghosts, and for some reason the main character had an eye on his hand.  His friend and sister both die, and monsters are everywhere.  I recently watched this movie again, and I am ashamed that it frightened me so badly as a child.  I was such a wuss.

# 12 Troll 2



I am ashamed to admit that this movie terrified me as a child.  Troll 2 is ranked as the worst movie of all time and for good reason.  It has hands down the worst acting, story, special effects, and costumes; but to a 10 year old it is still scary.  What really got to me was the ending, you thought everything was ok, then the kid walks in on the "trolls" eating his mom, and the movie ends.  I watch the movie now and I literally laugh my ass off, but it still doesn't make up for the damage it did to me as a child.

# 11 Spiders












I love my parents to death, but the had horrible judgement on what was an appropriate movie to show a child.  By the age of 8 I had already seen The Exorcist, Alien, and Cape Fear, but they did not have nearly the damage that Arachnophobia had.  It was supposed to be a dark comedy, but I didn't find anything about it funny in the slightest.  It sparked a fear of spiders that I never had, and sadly still have to this day.  I would have nightmares of 1000s of spiders coming out of my AC vent in my room or the drain in my bath tub. It didn't help that I was bit in the hand by a Brown Recluse when I was in the 3rd grade.  I HATE spiders!

# 10 Gmork From the Neverending Story

Holy fucking shit was this thing scary!!!  A giant wolf that hid in a cave waiting to kill you.  It's teeth were gigantic, its voice was freaky as shit, and oh yeah it is going to fucking kill you.  I hated this movie because of this one scene, and could hardly make it through.  What the hell were the film makers putting something so damn scary in a kids movie?  Oh well what do I know, I was kind of a puss.

# 9 Under My Bed

After seeing this scene, I never let my legs dangle from my bed.  Also, I would take a running jump to get in, there was no fucking way I was going to let something under my bed slice my achilles tendon.  There were so many monsters under there, I didn't want to take the chance.  Shit that would hurt.

# 8 Godzilla



Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved Godzilla movies growing up.  Giant monster movies have always and will always kick ass, but when I was younger I was 100% convinced that Godzilla was coming to get me, and only me.  I always imagined him coming out of the ocean or over a mountain with the sole intention of crushing me.  It is weird that when I would go to the beach I was more afraid of Godzilla getting me than Jaws.

# 7 Freddy and Jason





I will admit that when I was growing up, I was way too terrified to ever watch A Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th, but every kid who grew up in the 80s knew exactly who Freddy and Jason are.   Just the mere mention of their names would spark fear in any child under the ago of 12.  Now that I am older, I thank God that I never had the balls to watch one of those movies because i Troll 2 scared me, these movies would have hospitalized my bitch ass.


# 6 The Wampus Cat








Summer Camp is supposed to be a place for s boy to have fun and go wild.  Now anyone who knows me knows that is exactly what I do at Camp, but when I was a very young camper that was not the case. I heard tales of The Wampus Cat who would maim or eat campers who were out of their beds or breaking the rules.  I had an image of a monstrous black cat that was covered in blood that would tear kids to pieces, and that was enough to make me piss my pants.  I was so scared of the Wampus Cat that my fear wasn't exclusive to camp.  I thought it was going to get me anywhere.  I hated going outdoors after nightfall in fear that it would kill me.  Thanks for that Camp.

# 5 Large Marge


Holy fucking shit, this scene came out of nowhere.  Here you are watching an innocent kids movie about our favorite weirdo Pee-Wee Herman, and this scene comes completely out of left field and scares the shit out of you.  I was physically unable to watch this scene when I was younger.  I would get up, leave the room and wait for my much braver older brother to tell me when it was over.  It was a very cruel joke when he would tell me it was over even though it wasn't.  What the fuck is wrong with Tim Burton?

In an honorable mention, here is the other part of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure that scared the shit out of me:

# 4 Gremlins



In another honorable mention, here is the scene that ruined my childhood and pissed off parents nation wide:



# 3 Dolls

How could anyone ever want a doll growing up? I don't care who you are, dolls are fucking scary.  Even before the movie Child's Play, dolls have always and will always be creepy as shit.  My mom had this doll that she kept in our attic, when I would go to bed, I would go out of my way to close the attic door so I wouldn't have to even look at it.  I am so glad that I didn't have a sister growing up with a doll collection, I would have been so murdered by now. 



# 2 The Wooden Spoon












There were fewer things more frightening than the sight of mother brandishing her weapon of choice, the wooden spoon.  When she pulled out her Excalibur, you knew that you were in for the beating of a lifetime.  My mom was like a damn ninja with that thing, and to this day I refuse to have one in my kitchen because I know the damage that it can cause.  Fuck looking for WMDs, there is no weapon scarier than a pissed of mom with a wooden spoon. SHUTTER

# 1 Clowns


There is nothing in the world scarier than a fucking clown.  Even when they are not trying to be scary, clowns are fucking scary.  Even before I saw the movie It (which ruined me more than any movie ever), I was terrified of clowns.  I'm not sure what it is about them, but I cannot stand the sight, their hair, their smiles, their outfits; everything about a clown is terrifying and fucking off putting.  If I ever become king of the world, I will have every single clown in the world executed.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wednesday Worst # 3

The Worst Car Accident I've ever seen

This used to scare the SHIT out of me when I was a kid.
viewer discretion is advised

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Tuesday's Things That Need to Make a Comeback part 2

This is going to be brief but Saturday Morning Cartoons NEED to make a comeback.  I remember waking up at the crack of dawn on Saturday in order to watch my favorite Cartoons.  Sure they didn't make any sense, and the people who wrote them were obviously on super powerful drugs but they still kicked ass.  They had action, drama, mutants, and other weird shit that mad us happy as hell.  Here is a list of shows that our current generation of kids are being sadly deprived of: