Friday Countdown # 3: The Top 13 Old School NES Games

# 13 Chip and Dales Rescue Rangers



This game had it all, fantastic platforming action mixed in with that kick ass theme song from Chip and Dales Rescue Rangers the TV show.  Where else do you get to throw apples at miniature robotic bulldogs, and fight a light bulb that shoots lightning bolts at you.  So few video games that are based on TV shows or movies aren't worth a shit these days, but in the 80s they reigned supreme.

# 12 Paperboy



Ah Paperboy, I look at this game as the precursor to the Grand Theft Auto series.  Sure, it was your job to throw your newspaper at the houses doors or in their mail box, but wasn't it so much more fun to chunk them all through your route's windows.  Of course that was a sure fire way to lose, but damn was it fun to cause so much mayhem through out the streets.  GTA owes you a debt of gratitude for showing us how much fun it was to do "hood rat things".

# 11 Ghosts 'n Goblins





This game is notoriously difficult.  There have been numerous videos on youtube of people trying to beat this game, and they are great to watch.  I remember never even making it past the first level, but the game is just so much damn fun that really didn't even matter.  Its unforgiving and relentless attacks from zombies, birds, devils, and fire breathing plants (cough ripoff cough) make it the most fun impossible game of all time.  Thanks for all the broken controllers that you cost me.

# 10 Duck Tales



Another fantastic TV show video game, Duck Tales just kicked ass.  Billionaire Scrooge McDuck and his three nephews travel all around the world and moon looking for treasure.  It is amazing the amount of greed that this game promotes.  I mean this guy has a vault full of gold that he goes swimming in (still not sure how that works), and he puts his family in constant danger looking for more riches.  Still it was a shit ton of fun killing enemies by bouncing off their heads with your cane.  Also, the soundtrack on the moon level kicked so much ass.

# 9 Kung Fu



What kid didn't want to be a Karate master?  Kung Fu gave you the chance to show off your awesome ninja skills by walking around kicking and punching your way through endless enemies trying to reach your kidnapped girlfriend.  It didn't matter what stood in your way, zombies, bees, or even midgets, you kicked everyone's asses.  With laughable and unoriginal bosses like Stick Man, Boomerang Man, Big Man,  The Magician, and Mr. X; it just goes to show that it doesn't take too much creativity to make a great game.

# 8 Excitebike 

Growing up my favorite movie of all time was the BMX cult classic Rad.  Every kid on my street wanted to be Cru Jones, and Excitebike was our way of playing our hero.  Although he rode a BMX in the movie and you drove a motorcycle in the game, you could still use the power of your imagination and engulf yourself in the wonderful city of Cochrane.  As a game, Excitebike let you build your own tracks an race your friends which had never been done before.  It was a groundbreaking achievement, and let you challenge yourself on your own homemade Hell Track.


# 7 Double Dragon

Another awesome, "I'm a Karate Master and these assholes stole my girlfriend so I will kick everyone's ass until I get her back" type of game.  From the very get go, you know this game means business because in the opening cinematic, the bad guy punches your lady friend so hard in the gut that he knocks her out.  Damn, that was badass and the first ever showcase of female abuse in a video game.  The gameplay, soundtrack, and villains make this a great beat 'em up.  Also the sound it makes when you hit somebody was so violent and loud it made it seem like you could punch a hole through anybody.  No body fucks with Billy and Jimmy Lee (until the Double Dragon Movie but let's not talk about that one).

# 6 Castlevania

Oh man was Castlevania the shit.  Not only was it scary as hell (for a 6 year old), but it was just so much damn fun to play.  Armed with a whip and an assortment of secondary weapons Simon Belmont trudged his was through Dracula's Castle.  The best part of this game was, you didn't only fight vampires, but every legendary monster ever ranging from Medusa, Frankenstein, and even the Grim Reaper himself.  Although this game was tough as shit, it was still awesome.  How many games let you kill a dog with a fire whip?

# 5  Contra



Rounding out the Top 5 are the gun toting, alien killing brothers of Contra.  The insane run and gun gameplay of this classic are still unrivaled to this day.  Everyone remembers the first time they got their hands on the Spread gun and watched as it decimated everything in your path.  Like a lot of these old school games, Contra was also insanely difficult and it pawned the most memorable cheat code of all time, the "Konami Code"  Anyone and everyone from the 80s knows this gem which gives you 30 extra lives.  Now say it with me: "up up down down left right left right B A".  Now take your 30 extra lives and go kick some alien ass!

# 4 Super Mario Brothers 3

I remember my total shock when I went to go see the 1989 Nintendo movie "The Wizard" and the announced Super Mario Brothers 3 as the final game of Video Armageddon.  It was like nothing I had ever seen before (even though I had seen it before in the 1st Mario Game), but this game took Mario to a whole new level.  No longer were you stuck with the basic Fire Flower, but now you could turn into a frog, a strange statue, and best of all a flying raccoon (for some reason).  This game set the standard for all other games to follow.  On a side note, in The Wizard, how did Jimmy know that the flute was hidden in the 1st castle?  Kinda impossible, still that movie kicks ass.

# 3 Mega Man 2





The Mega Man series has been one of the best and longest running video game series of all time.  However, I think that they peaked at Mega Man 2.  Although this is the only Mega Man game that I ever  owned , it is undeniable that it is my favorite and the best.  In Mega Man 2 the Blue Bomber returns (again) to fight the Evil Dr. Wiley (again).  The story may be repetitive, but this time around, the gameplay is more polished and the bosses just kick so much more ass.  Metal Man, Bubble Man, Wood Man, Flash Man, Air Man, Crash Man, Quick Man, and Heat Man all have badass levels, and some of the best 8-bit video game music of all time.  Check out this video by a band called the Adventures of Duanne and Brando with their remixes of the stage tunes.

# 2 Mike Tyson's Punch Out

Mike Tyson's Punch Out is that game that I probably played the most growing up.  I would spend hours controlling Little Mac in his quest to become the Heavy Weight Champion of the world, which is strange because he only weighed 105 lbs.  Each opponent had their own tricks, and unlike most other sports games, this one was all about learning their patterns and weaknesses (I wish I knew that when I was growing up).  The first time that I made it to Mike Tyson, I was 16 and it was like I had completed the 10 year quest of the saddest virgin of all time.  Beating him was even better  I played this game so much that to this day I can still pick up the controller and play all the way through with ease.  Again check out this remix by Duane and Brando to the Punch Out Tune.

# 1 The Legend of Zelda

Words cannot describe what this game meant to my childhood.  This game has everything, excellent gameplay, controls, story, music, EVERYTHING!  Anybody who had a NES had this game, and unfortunately anybody who had this game has had it erased at least once in their lives.  There is nothing worse than spending weeks playing the game, getting to the final dungeon and shutting it off without saving it.  I remember the disgust and hatred that my brother had for me when I erased his game (which is the reason why my mom bought me Punch Out so it would never happen again).  If you have never played this game before, do yourself a favor, buy an NES and the Legend of Zelda and play one of the greatest video games of all time.

Thursday Throw Down 3 part 2

WHO WOULD WIN IN A DEBATE?

The immortal and incomprehensible Lou Holtz


vs

Sylvester the Cat

If you were to attend this debate, I would invest in an umbrella and a bucket.

Thursday Throw Down 3

This is based purely on past results, and to celebrate the opening day of college football:

WHO WOULD WIN IN A FOOTBALL GAME?

The University of South Carolina Gamecocks

vs.

The London Silly Nannies

Wednesday Worst # 2

This is the worst scene from a movie ever!

Tuesday's Tattoo of the Week

Pretty awesome and gross tattoo.

People Ninjas Should Assassinate #3

Many people don't know who these guys are by looking at them, but these pieces of shit are Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.  Still don't know who they are?  Let me give you a list of the movies that they have co-written and co-directed: 

1. Date Movie 

2. Disaster Movie

3. Epic Movie

4. Vampires Suck

5. Meet the Spartans.
These are some of the worst comedies that have ever made the sliver screen, and somehow these D-Bags are still allowed to continue making movies.  They are everything that is wrong with America, people who suck at their job, but are still given the opportunity to continue working.  Unlike Uwe Bowl (the worst director alive), these guys think they are funny and stupid fucking people keep paying millions of dollars to see their shit, fart, penis, boob, and "reference" jokes in theaters.  There is not a death cruel enough that I could wish upon these grade A turds, but this will suffice:

Weekly Rant # 3

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF??? The new wussification of this great country. This has been something that has been bugging me for a while, and now its time to air my grievances.  This rant is going to be a bit different, I am going to make a list of things that have pissed me off and rant from there.  Enjoy!

1)  You do not need to use hand sanitizer every 35 seconds.  This is getting WAY out of hand.  Since when did Americans become so afraid of scary germs?  Guess what there are no more germs now than there were 100 years ago.  Do you know what our ancestors used to fight germs?  Their fucking immune system!  Everyone wonders why people get so sick, they have no natural immune system any more.  Every chance they get, they cover their hands in that smelly gooey shit and make themselves weaker.  I never EVER use Purell and I rarely get sick.  Oh yeah guess what against things like the Flu and Strep Throat, hand sanitizer is worthless because they are viruses.  Stop using that shit ASAP and get tougher.

2)  On the same line as hand sanitizer, we have to stop over medicating ourselves against every little sniffle we get.  I saw a commercial where a child was playing on a playground and started to sneeze.  His mother pulls out a shot glass-like container of allergy medicine and gives it to him.  REALLY?  If a kid ever did that when I was growing up he would have gotten his ass kicked for being a total dweeb.  When I was a kid, I was very allergic to cats, so what did my mom do?  She got two cats!  Guess what, I am no longer allergic!  Again, let your body's natural defense take on the weaker stuff and leave medicine to tackle the bigger boys like Hep C and Ebola.

3)  Helmets.  I am so sick of helmets.  About a year ago I was driving, and I passed a house where the kids were playing in the front yard (which you rarely see these days), and I saw a young lady on a pogo stick.  It would have been nice to see this if she wasn't wearing a helmet, knee pads, and wrist guards.  Seriously what is the worst that could have happened to her?  Falling off a pogo stick has the same level of danger as standing on the ground, jumping, and not landing properly.  I understand that sometimes helmets can save lives and should be worn, but riding a bike down your neighborhood is not one of them; playing soccer is not one of them; and surely jumping on a pogo stick is not fucking one of them.  Now I hear that they want NFL and NCAA officials to wear helmets during game time.  No, that is where I draw the line.  They are already fat and out of shape and now they have to wear helmets as well?  Thats just sad.

The main point of this rant is to explain that in life you are going to get sick, and you are going to get ouchies, owies, and boo boos.  Parents need to understand that by sheltering their kids from the harsh realities of life, their special little guy or girl is not going to be well equipped to face the real world.  In real life there is not trophy for 8th place, there are no helmets that can help protect you from the emotional blows that you are going to face.  America needs to snap back to the days before there was sensitivity training and crisis counseling and toughen the fuck up, BECAUSE I'M SICK OF IT!!!