Number 13.
Raizo in Ninja Assasin
Raizo is such a badass that he kills an entire clan of ninjas with either ninja stars, a katana, or a knife on a chain. He cuts off more limbs than bone cancer, making him a true Ninja Badass! Now if only we can pay him to do something about that bitch Flo from the Progressive Insurance commercials...
Number 12.
Bryan Mills From Taken
If you are French or Algerian, and know anything about who took his daughter, Bryan Mills will punch you in the throat to death. He single handedly took down an underage prostitution ring in France and shot the Chief of Police's wife in the arm during dinner. How badass is that?
Number 11.
Cpt. John Patrick Mason from The Rock
John Patrick Mason is a an ex-member of the English Secret Service and is the only person to ever escape from Alcatraz Prison. He goes back to the Rock to take out a group of ex-Navy Seals, oh yeah and did I mention that he is a senior citizen? I might not have a long video of him kicking ass, but this one quote says it all...oh yeah and I think he was named after Cartter's badass Dog, which gives him extra badass points.
Number 10.
Wolverine
Wolverine is the only true "Superhero" to make the list. He has some serious rage issues and amnesia which is a great combo. Person who is always angry but doesn't know why. Not to mention that his skeleton is covered in adamantium which makes him nearly indestructible. Add that with his claws that can cut through anything, and you have one serious badass. Oh yeah, and he NEVER, EVER looks at explosions! He would be higher on the list but I had to take away 25,000 badass points because he is Canadian.
Number 9.
The Terminator
The Terminator is an unstoppable killing machine with one goal in mind, kill the future mother of the future leader of the human resistance before she becomes pregnant. Wow, that kind of seems like a dumb plan, why didn't he just go back in time to the 1800s when they didn't have technology and wipe out all of Sarah Connor's ancestors? I don't think he could have been stopped by muskets and raccoon pelts. He also could have killed John Connor when he was a baby or better yet, right when he was delivered. Anyways, he is still a stone cold merciless killer, and that makes him a total badass.
Number 8.
Darth Vader
Darth Vader is a badass son of a bitch. One of the most powerful Jedi of all time, he proves that just because he had a bad past (as a slave), it doesn't mean you can't make something of yourself. He didn't even ask for reparations. In his later years, he kills his best friend and mentor, tries to kill his son (multiple times), tortures and eventually blows up his daughter's planet, and kills his boss and the Emperor of the Universe. That right there is one half robot, white skinned, black voiced, patricidal badass.
Number 7.
James Bond
James Bond is by far the smoothest badass on this list. His badassery has reigned three decades and he has both saved the world and gotten the girl 22 times. He got married once, only to have her killed off later in the movie. Did he mope about his dead wife? Hell no, he was back in action again kicking ass and spreading his seed all around the world. Which brings up a good point, how many STDs does this guy have? He has slept with every heroen and slutty henchwoman since the 70's. How has his penis not fallen off or at least be as equally dangerous as the blood of an Alien? Despite his philandering, the world owes this man a debt of gratitude because if he hadn't been so vigilant over the years we would all be a bunch of dirty damn Commies by now. Thanks James
Number 6.
John McClane from Die Hard 1-4
John McClane is the epitome of a badass. He is a shit talking alcoholic detective who has found himself in more sticky situations than Snookie's, um snookie. He has stopped terrorists in New York, twice, in LA, and in DC. In his adventures he has been more bloodied and battered than Tina Turner. He has survived building explosions, train bombs, killed one helicopter with one shot from a revolver and another with a police car, and he beat up an F-15 with an 18 wheeler truck. Thats pretty badass, and oh yeah, Yippie Kay Yay Mother Fucker!
Number 5.
Jason Bourne from The Bourne Trilogy and Charlie Baltimore from A Long Kiss Good Night
Here we have two badass assassins who worked for the US government and both got amnesia. They both kicked ass and murdered all the way to the top to discover their identities. It is difficult to chose who was more badass, Jason Bourne can kick your ass, but Charlie Baltimore will seduce and murder you. As of right now, I will give them a tie for number 5 (we will save a match up for a Thursday Throwdown), but they are both the most badass US assassins who suffered memory loss that cinema has to offer.
Number 4.
The Joker from The Dark Night
The Joker is hands down the most badass villain on this list. He single handedly brings anarchy to Gotham City and blows up Batman's GF. Why does he do this, why the not. The best thing about The Joker is we never get a motive or a back story of why he does what he does. He is just a brilliant sociopath who is out to prove a point. His badassness can be summed up on one scene where he stabs a pencil though a gangster's eyeball, killing him. Words cannot sum up how bad he is, but he is still only number 4.
Number 3.
Grammaton Cleric John Preston From Equilibrium
Most people don't even know who this guy even is, but watch this clip and you will know that he is one hell of a badass. In the future when emotion has been made illegal, it is up to John Preston to punish those with emotions, until he begins to feel himself. He then goes on a badass killing spree, taking out anyone in his way. His total body count ends up being 118 people, which at the time set the world record of people killed by one person in a film. He is now in third place which is the reason why he is not number 1.
Number 2.
John Rambo
Rambo has been a badass and flexed nut since the early 80's. His current body count lies at 230 confirmed kills, which is way beyond impressive. Not only is his rampage massive, but it is also widespread, killing local police, Arabs, and Asians. Rumor has it that his next adventure will either be in South America (welcome back 80s action flicks) or on the American/Mexican border. After his last outing in which there were 2.59 killings per minute, it is fair enough to say that Rambo is one of the biggest badasses of all time, but he is still not number 1.
Number 1.
Jack Bauer
Jack Bauer is hands down the biggest badass in the history of TV and Cinema. He has saved the US from terrorists 8 times, once in DC, once in New York, and a whopping six times in LA. He holds the record for the most people killed by a single person. Jack Bauer's stats don't lie, and if you are a terrorist, you better not lie to Jack. In the line of duty, Jack has killed 265 people, tortured 19 terrorists, killed two Prime Ministers, kidnapped the President twice, killed his own father, was kidnapped by the Chinese Government, been shot 7 times, and "died" 3 times. Not many people have those kind of bragging rights, and all Americans owe Jack Bauer a debt of gratitude. For his service, the city of Las Angeles named a street Jack Bauer Ave, but people kept dying trying to get across because NO ONE CROSSES JACK BAUER AND LIVES! Lets all tip our hat to the biggest badass of all time, and ask "WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR???"
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Thursday Throw Down Part 2
 |
| Collin Finnerty, David Evans, and Reade Seligmann (the 2006 Duke Lacrosse Team) |
VS.
 |
| Agent Sam Fisher from Splinter Cell |
Thursday Throw Down!!!
 |
| A Fully Armed T-Rex |
vs.
 |
| A Nazi Fighting Chewbacca RidingA Giant Squirrel With a Crossbow |
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
People Ninjas Should Assassinate # 1
I mean seriously, she is by far the most annoying person on TV. I think that a Ninja Star to the face might ruin her chipper disposition.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Conan O'Brien Hates My Homeland
Before hus untimely end, Connan insulted every country in the world. Here they are:
Afghanistan
The bad news is, there's a new article about everyone farming opium.
The good news is, you can't read.
Albania
The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service.
Algeria
It took you eight years to beat France.
Andorra
How does it feel, being Luxembourg's bitch?
Angola
Hey, call me when your life expectancy catches up with your inflation rate.
Azerbaijan
Believe it or not, you can use oil for more than just killing seals.
The Bahamas
It takes a lot of rum to forget your major export is crawfish.
Bahrain
A thriving centre of trade and culture... until 2000 BC!
Bangladesh
If you can hear this, your television isn't underwater. Congratulations!
Barbados
There simply isn't a more beautiful island... to sail by on your way to Jamaica.
Belarus
Clay, sand, and chalk: Your richest natural resources are what a toddler throws up after a big day at preschool.
Belgium
The only European country to never successfully invade Belgium.
Belize
Get your camera; they're paving a road!
Benin
Keep practicing those voodoo spells and maybe someday you'll be as rich as Rwanda.
Bhutan
So they took away your freedom of the press? Who needs it when your only headline is "Bhutan Continues to Suck?"
Bolivia
Remember kids, you must be at least nine years old to overthrow the goverment.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Nothing spells a bright future like signing your peace accord in Dayton, Ohio.
Botswana
Diamonds are forever; too bad your people check out at 35.
Brazil
Home to more than 800 species of unregulated breast implants.
Brunei
If there was ever an argument for the death penalty, it's chicken smuggling.
Bulgaria
So what if you misplaced a little weapons-grade uranium? The important thing is keeping track of all those hand-made doileys and goat hair rugs.
Burkina Faso
In the traditional tribal language, that's Burkina for "land of" and Faso for "people who want to get the hell out of Burkina Faso."
Burma
The bad news is, you've got rampant malaria.
The good news is, it doesn't stop the kids from making those shirts.
Burundi
All that coffee in a country with no reason to wake up.
Cambodia
How many temples does it take before you guys realize God isn't listening?
Cameroon
Not to be mistaken with the macaroon, a small, chewy cookie... with a longer life expectancy!
Canada
With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!
Cape Verde
Millions visit your island nation... to refuel their planes!
Central African Republic
So bad, the gorillas learn sign language for "Poach me."
Chad
Good news: Ustad Ali Khan is headlining the Locust Plague Festival.
Chile
The good news is, it's finally legal to get a divorce.
The bad news is, who gets the active volcano and who gets the 55,000 square miles of lifeless desert?
China
If you're gonna be in prison, it might as well be for no reason.
Colombia
You'll come for the enticing beauty of the Caribbean Sea. You'll stay because you've been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a Dodge Dart.
Comoros
On a list of the world's purchasing power, you're ranked 222. Did I mention there are only 190 countries?
Democratic Republic of Congo
Where even a poor boy with no prospects can grow up to be run over by a presidential motorcade.
Republic of Congo
Without you, who would the elephants trample?
Costa Rica
Thanks for giving us a place to dump our potheads.
Cote D'Ivoire
Cocoa, sugar, and mass killings. Are you a country or a Willy Wonka nightmare?
Croatia
Congratulations on your candidacy for the European Union. Imagine, if that comes through, it could employ two, maybe three people.
Cuba
Where "high-tech" means you've got a radio on your homemade raft.
Cyprus
Where the Mediterranean climate makes it a joy to spend each day mining asbestos.
Czech Republic
The country that explains why Kafka never wrote a happy story.
Denmark
Too bad you can't build a warm, sunny day out of Legos.
Djibouti
Imagine how great life would be if you had the rich natural resources of Ethiopia.
Dominica
Where the national catchphrase is "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't mean to interrupt your armed robbery."
Dominican Republic
The perfect place for anyone who's ever asked themself "Where'd my car go?"
East Timor
It takes a lot to admit you live on the bad side of Timor.
Ecuador
Street crime is on the rise, so keep your ransom note in an inside pocket.
Egypt
Where priceless ancient statues and mummies are so close, you can fly to London and see them at the British Museum.
El Salvador
Where no resumé is complete without the phrase "Supervised six-person death squad."
Equatorial Guinea
Congratulations, you just discovered vast oil reserves... I mean, we just discovered vast oil reserves. *evil laugh*
Eritrea
You only have one TV station, but cheer up - it's got locust reports on the eights!
Estonia
Home of the European flying squirrel, the only Estonian mammal that's not an alcoholic.
Ethiopia
I can't do this one, let's move on.
Fiji
If you're visiting Fiji, you have to go snorkeling, 'cause it's the best way to flee cannibals.
Finland
We're so dumb, we can't wait to be insulted to send a meaningless postcard with a tire on the front.
You've had over 5,000 years of culture, and the world's most famous Finn is still Huckleberry.
France
You gave us the term "deja vu," as in "Wow, I have this weird feeling you've been obnoxious and arrogant before. Deja vu!"
(Wait a miniute, this is France, so I think I can't do just one.)
France
Rimbaud, Baudelaire, Gauguin, Manet: You're number one when it comes to great minds that died of syphillis.
Gabon
You have to question a country that grants five terms to a man called "President Bongo."
The Gambia
The only nation brave enough to say "Let those offshore oil reserves wait. We've got a good thing going with these peanuts and palm kernels."
Georgia
Where Europe meets Asia and says "Hey, why don't we both dump our crap here?"
Germany
The great 20th-century power that said, "Ditch Einstein, get Hasselhoff."
Ghana
The 'h' is silent, like a room full of people after you ask "What's worthwhile about Ghana?"
Greece
Big news: Historians now think the first marathon took place in August 490 BC, not September. That means nothing good has come out of Greece for a month longer than previously believed.
Grenada
When you're at the end of a grueling fifteen-hour day peeling the husks off nutmeg, remember this: without you, the world would have to sprinkle its eggnog with cinnamon.
Guatemala
Where the Mayans invented the zero, as in "What are the chances this shirt was made by someone over the age of eight? Zero!"
Guinea
Even guinea pigs have the good sense to claim they're actually from Peru.
Guinea-Bissau
The only book that mentions it is The Audubon Guide to Locusts.
Guyana
The Eskimos have sixty words for "snow." The Guyanans have eighty words for "dysentery."
Haiti
You just celebrated two hundred years of independence. Congratulations. Now make a wish and blow out your burning pile of tires.
Hungary
Sure, your next-door neighbour Austria was home to Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Schubert, and Freud, but don't forget, you make pretty good stuffed cabbage.
Iceland
I'm amazed you don't have a military. How do you protect your 85,000 square miles of uninhabitable land?
India
A nation so richly diverse, you can walk into a single neighborhood and find cholera, dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, and plague.
Indonesia
This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of your first democratic election, in which apparently, everyone voted to never have another democratic election.
Iran
Just two more years 'til you have a nuclear warhead, and two years and a day 'til you use it on a woman holding a beer.
Ireland
You know, there's a wonderful old Irish legend that goes something like this: Once upon a time, many years ago, there was an Irishman who could hold down a job.
Israel
Hey, remember when life in Israel was vibrant and carefree? Man, that was the day.
Italy
The newspapers are reporting a miracle. Apparently, a statue of Mary moved her hand and said, "I just worked harder than 80% of your workforce."
Jamaica
Of course you've got an astronomical murder rate. You've had "No Woman No Cry" on repeat for 25 years.
Japan
Last century, you brutally defeated China and Russia. This century, you make Hello Kitty toasters.
Jordan
Thanks to your country's progress in human rights, now your citizens can choose which hand you cut off.
Kenya
It's a beautiful place to grow old, assuming you're one of the 2.3% of Kenyans who live to 65.
South Korea
Your biggest natural resource is coal, which gives dog a nice, smokey flavour.
Kuwait
We saved your ass from Saddam. Now make with the oil, bitch.
Kyrgystan
If your country could afford vowels, you could spell "this place sucks."
Laos
You'll come for the early Asian ruins. You'll stay 'cause you've been stricken with avian bird flu.
Latvia
Your leading industries are textiles, heavy machinery production, and trading your daughters for second-hand American blue jeans.
Liberia
Are you bummed out 'cause your country has only 120 miles of paved road? Well, cheer up! Your 41-year life expectancy should give you plenty of time to see all of it.
Luxembourg
Come visit our country, but make sure you also have an afternoon activity.
Malawi
Just like Florida, except without the electricity, phones, drinkable water, or protection from roaming death squads.
Malaysia
Where the police cane you first, then ask for a bribe.
Maldives
You'll come for the tropical climate. You'll stay 'cause you've been eaten by tiger sharks.
Mali
What's that noise? People arguing in tribal languages over the last pile of ground nuts!
Malta
Brimming with culture, history, and mustachioed Sicilian hookers.
Marshall Islands
To write a joke about your country, we Googled it. No results were found.
Mexico
Look, there's an honest policeman! No, wait, they got him.
Monaco
Where Eurotrash goes to gamble away their facelift money.
Mongolia
Where Chinese freedom meets Siberian comfort.
Mozambique
The good news is, you only have the fourteenth highest death rate in the world.
The bad news is, you border numbers one, three, four, and seven.
Myanmar
Remember when your government was almost toppled by a pair of cigarette-smoking twelve-year-old twins who you thought were immortal? Man, you sure have come a long way since 2001.
Nepal
Home to eight of the world's highest peaks; nine if you count your unemployment rate.
The Netherlands
Congratulations, you've turned 500 years of culture into a pot joke.
New Caledonia
Still a world leader in beach erosion.
Nicaragua
Come learn about the heritage of your nanny.
Nigeria
Where children come first... in the draft.
Norway
Sweden has Ikea, Finland has Nokia... Hey Norway, what do you have? Nothing-kia!
Oman
As in "Oh man, I can't believe you cut my hand off for stealing an orange!"
Pakistan
Guess what? You're not worth jack-istan!
Palau
How do you enter Palau? Arrive in a national airport.
How do you leave Palau? Through a shark's colon.
Panama
Congratulations, you have the second-busiest canal after Paris Hilton.
Philippines
Mi casa es su landfill.
Poland
We'd write an insult about Poland, but they'd just send themselves the hate mail.
Romania
Come see our museum of the Middle Ages. We call it "Romania."
Russia
The perfect marriage of rampant corruption and tacky track suits.
St. Kitts & Nevis
You know, after you get through the shrinking population and the low birth rate, there's almost no one left to die during hurricane season.
Samoa
Kind of like Fiji, but without all the reasons to go there.
Saudi Arabia
You'll come for the history, you'll stay because they arrested your wife for accidentally showing her ankles.
Serbia
You tried ethnic cleansing; how about cleaning your armpits?
Sierra Leone
You fought for the British in World War I, now you're fighting for your first working toilet.
Slovakia
In 1993, Czechoslovakia was split into two seperate parts: Slovakia, and the good part.
Somalia
Plagued by decades of civil war. Come on, guys, there's plenty of rubble for everyone!
Spain
Five hundred years ago, you were a global superpower, and now you're not. Hmm, that's strange. Oh well, time for another four-hour nap!
Sweden
Your contributions to the world: crappy furniture and Stockholm Syndrome.
Syria
We haven't bombed you yet. Still, I'd hold off on any major contruction projects.
Taiwan
Oh wait, you're not a real country. You're China's bitch!
Tajikistan
Congratulations, you're where Uzbekistanis go to feel better about themselves.
Thailand
Where you can have sex with a 14-year-old prostitute, if they're willing to come out of retirement.
Togo
You've got it all... and by "it all," I mean risk of both bacterial and protozoal diarrhea.
Trinidad & Tobago
The Siegfried & Roy of the Lesser Antilles.
Tunisia
Remember that scene in Star Wars when they're on that desert planet and they go into that bar with all those weird creatures? Guess what, that was filmed in Tunisia, and those weren't actors!
Turkey
Formerly the Ottoman Empire, whose greatest achievement was inventing a piece of furniture to rest your feet on.
Turkmenistan
Why don't more people give their children Turkmen names? I don't know, let's ask President Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov.
Turks & Caicos
Where the national library is housed under the reception desk of a Sandals Resort.
Uganda
Situated right between Rwanda and the Sudan. Jealous?
United Arab Emirates
You're remarkably tolerant on women's rights: you let them drive a car to their stoning.
United Kingdom
The sun never sets on the United Kingdom, and it never rose on British dentistry.
Uzbekistan
You've got a novel way to fight corruption: you don't have anything worth stealing!
Vanuatu
You have more than a hundred local languages; in other words, over a hundred ways to say "Hey, remember when Survivor was here?"
Vietnam
Come and reunite your sneakers with the eight-year-olds who made them.
Virgin Islands
Well you wouldn't be, if you weren't so damn ugly.
Wallis & Fortuna
The reason for your people's long lifespan? Not even Death knows where the hell you are!
Yemen
If you think Yemen is too tough on shoplifters, raise your right stump.
Zambia
Don't let anyone tell you that you're dirt-poor. You've got plenty of dirt!
Zimbabwe
You'll come for the country's pristine natural beauty. You'll stay because rogue soldiers have chained you to a burned-out jeep.
Afghanistan
The bad news is, there's a new article about everyone farming opium.
The good news is, you can't read.
Albania
The perfect getaway for people who love Kosovo, but hate the working phone service.
Algeria
It took you eight years to beat France.
Andorra
How does it feel, being Luxembourg's bitch?
Angola
Hey, call me when your life expectancy catches up with your inflation rate.
Azerbaijan
Believe it or not, you can use oil for more than just killing seals.
The Bahamas
It takes a lot of rum to forget your major export is crawfish.
Bahrain
A thriving centre of trade and culture... until 2000 BC!
Bangladesh
If you can hear this, your television isn't underwater. Congratulations!
Barbados
There simply isn't a more beautiful island... to sail by on your way to Jamaica.
Belarus
Clay, sand, and chalk: Your richest natural resources are what a toddler throws up after a big day at preschool.
Belgium
The only European country to never successfully invade Belgium.
Belize
Get your camera; they're paving a road!
Benin
Keep practicing those voodoo spells and maybe someday you'll be as rich as Rwanda.
Bhutan
So they took away your freedom of the press? Who needs it when your only headline is "Bhutan Continues to Suck?"
Bolivia
Remember kids, you must be at least nine years old to overthrow the goverment.
Bosnia & Herzegovina
Nothing spells a bright future like signing your peace accord in Dayton, Ohio.
Botswana
Diamonds are forever; too bad your people check out at 35.
Brazil
Home to more than 800 species of unregulated breast implants.
Brunei
If there was ever an argument for the death penalty, it's chicken smuggling.
Bulgaria
So what if you misplaced a little weapons-grade uranium? The important thing is keeping track of all those hand-made doileys and goat hair rugs.
Burkina Faso
In the traditional tribal language, that's Burkina for "land of" and Faso for "people who want to get the hell out of Burkina Faso."
Burma
The bad news is, you've got rampant malaria.
The good news is, it doesn't stop the kids from making those shirts.
Burundi
All that coffee in a country with no reason to wake up.
Cambodia
How many temples does it take before you guys realize God isn't listening?
Cameroon
Not to be mistaken with the macaroon, a small, chewy cookie... with a longer life expectancy!
Canada
With massive overpopulation threatening the globe, Canadians maintain a population of less than 35 million. How do they do it? Zero sex appeal!
Cape Verde
Millions visit your island nation... to refuel their planes!
Central African Republic
So bad, the gorillas learn sign language for "Poach me."
Chad
Good news: Ustad Ali Khan is headlining the Locust Plague Festival.
Chile
The good news is, it's finally legal to get a divorce.
The bad news is, who gets the active volcano and who gets the 55,000 square miles of lifeless desert?
China
If you're gonna be in prison, it might as well be for no reason.
Colombia
You'll come for the enticing beauty of the Caribbean Sea. You'll stay because you've been kidnapped and locked in the trunk of a Dodge Dart.
Comoros
On a list of the world's purchasing power, you're ranked 222. Did I mention there are only 190 countries?
Democratic Republic of Congo
Where even a poor boy with no prospects can grow up to be run over by a presidential motorcade.
Republic of Congo
Without you, who would the elephants trample?
Costa Rica
Thanks for giving us a place to dump our potheads.
Cote D'Ivoire
Cocoa, sugar, and mass killings. Are you a country or a Willy Wonka nightmare?
Croatia
Congratulations on your candidacy for the European Union. Imagine, if that comes through, it could employ two, maybe three people.
Cuba
Where "high-tech" means you've got a radio on your homemade raft.
Cyprus
Where the Mediterranean climate makes it a joy to spend each day mining asbestos.
Czech Republic
The country that explains why Kafka never wrote a happy story.
Denmark
Too bad you can't build a warm, sunny day out of Legos.
Djibouti
Imagine how great life would be if you had the rich natural resources of Ethiopia.
Dominica
Where the national catchphrase is "I'm sorry, officer, I didn't mean to interrupt your armed robbery."
Dominican Republic
The perfect place for anyone who's ever asked themself "Where'd my car go?"
East Timor
It takes a lot to admit you live on the bad side of Timor.
Ecuador
Street crime is on the rise, so keep your ransom note in an inside pocket.
Egypt
Where priceless ancient statues and mummies are so close, you can fly to London and see them at the British Museum.
El Salvador
Where no resumé is complete without the phrase "Supervised six-person death squad."
Equatorial Guinea
Congratulations, you just discovered vast oil reserves... I mean, we just discovered vast oil reserves. *evil laugh*
Eritrea
You only have one TV station, but cheer up - it's got locust reports on the eights!
Estonia
Home of the European flying squirrel, the only Estonian mammal that's not an alcoholic.
Ethiopia
I can't do this one, let's move on.
Fiji
If you're visiting Fiji, you have to go snorkeling, 'cause it's the best way to flee cannibals.
Finland
We're so dumb, we can't wait to be insulted to send a meaningless postcard with a tire on the front.
You've had over 5,000 years of culture, and the world's most famous Finn is still Huckleberry.
France
You gave us the term "deja vu," as in "Wow, I have this weird feeling you've been obnoxious and arrogant before. Deja vu!"
(Wait a miniute, this is France, so I think I can't do just one.)
France
Rimbaud, Baudelaire, Gauguin, Manet: You're number one when it comes to great minds that died of syphillis.
Gabon
You have to question a country that grants five terms to a man called "President Bongo."
The Gambia
The only nation brave enough to say "Let those offshore oil reserves wait. We've got a good thing going with these peanuts and palm kernels."
Georgia
Where Europe meets Asia and says "Hey, why don't we both dump our crap here?"
Germany
The great 20th-century power that said, "Ditch Einstein, get Hasselhoff."
Ghana
The 'h' is silent, like a room full of people after you ask "What's worthwhile about Ghana?"
Greece
Big news: Historians now think the first marathon took place in August 490 BC, not September. That means nothing good has come out of Greece for a month longer than previously believed.
Grenada
When you're at the end of a grueling fifteen-hour day peeling the husks off nutmeg, remember this: without you, the world would have to sprinkle its eggnog with cinnamon.
Guatemala
Where the Mayans invented the zero, as in "What are the chances this shirt was made by someone over the age of eight? Zero!"
Guinea
Even guinea pigs have the good sense to claim they're actually from Peru.
Guinea-Bissau
The only book that mentions it is The Audubon Guide to Locusts.
Guyana
The Eskimos have sixty words for "snow." The Guyanans have eighty words for "dysentery."
Haiti
You just celebrated two hundred years of independence. Congratulations. Now make a wish and blow out your burning pile of tires.
Hungary
Sure, your next-door neighbour Austria was home to Mozart, Beethoven, Strauss, Schubert, and Freud, but don't forget, you make pretty good stuffed cabbage.
Iceland
I'm amazed you don't have a military. How do you protect your 85,000 square miles of uninhabitable land?
India
A nation so richly diverse, you can walk into a single neighborhood and find cholera, dengue fever, malaria, typhoid, and plague.
Indonesia
This year marks the fiftieth anniversary of your first democratic election, in which apparently, everyone voted to never have another democratic election.
Iran
Just two more years 'til you have a nuclear warhead, and two years and a day 'til you use it on a woman holding a beer.
Ireland
You know, there's a wonderful old Irish legend that goes something like this: Once upon a time, many years ago, there was an Irishman who could hold down a job.
Israel
Hey, remember when life in Israel was vibrant and carefree? Man, that was the day.
Italy
The newspapers are reporting a miracle. Apparently, a statue of Mary moved her hand and said, "I just worked harder than 80% of your workforce."
Jamaica
Of course you've got an astronomical murder rate. You've had "No Woman No Cry" on repeat for 25 years.
Japan
Last century, you brutally defeated China and Russia. This century, you make Hello Kitty toasters.
Jordan
Thanks to your country's progress in human rights, now your citizens can choose which hand you cut off.
Kenya
It's a beautiful place to grow old, assuming you're one of the 2.3% of Kenyans who live to 65.
South Korea
Your biggest natural resource is coal, which gives dog a nice, smokey flavour.
Kuwait
We saved your ass from Saddam. Now make with the oil, bitch.
Kyrgystan
If your country could afford vowels, you could spell "this place sucks."
Laos
You'll come for the early Asian ruins. You'll stay 'cause you've been stricken with avian bird flu.
Latvia
Your leading industries are textiles, heavy machinery production, and trading your daughters for second-hand American blue jeans.
Liberia
Are you bummed out 'cause your country has only 120 miles of paved road? Well, cheer up! Your 41-year life expectancy should give you plenty of time to see all of it.
Luxembourg
Come visit our country, but make sure you also have an afternoon activity.
Malawi
Just like Florida, except without the electricity, phones, drinkable water, or protection from roaming death squads.
Malaysia
Where the police cane you first, then ask for a bribe.
Maldives
You'll come for the tropical climate. You'll stay 'cause you've been eaten by tiger sharks.
Mali
What's that noise? People arguing in tribal languages over the last pile of ground nuts!
Malta
Brimming with culture, history, and mustachioed Sicilian hookers.
Marshall Islands
To write a joke about your country, we Googled it. No results were found.
Mexico
Look, there's an honest policeman! No, wait, they got him.
Monaco
Where Eurotrash goes to gamble away their facelift money.
Mongolia
Where Chinese freedom meets Siberian comfort.
Mozambique
The good news is, you only have the fourteenth highest death rate in the world.
The bad news is, you border numbers one, three, four, and seven.
Myanmar
Remember when your government was almost toppled by a pair of cigarette-smoking twelve-year-old twins who you thought were immortal? Man, you sure have come a long way since 2001.
Nepal
Home to eight of the world's highest peaks; nine if you count your unemployment rate.
The Netherlands
Congratulations, you've turned 500 years of culture into a pot joke.
New Caledonia
Still a world leader in beach erosion.
Nicaragua
Come learn about the heritage of your nanny.
Nigeria
Where children come first... in the draft.
Norway
Sweden has Ikea, Finland has Nokia... Hey Norway, what do you have? Nothing-kia!
Oman
As in "Oh man, I can't believe you cut my hand off for stealing an orange!"
Pakistan
Guess what? You're not worth jack-istan!
Palau
How do you enter Palau? Arrive in a national airport.
How do you leave Palau? Through a shark's colon.
Panama
Congratulations, you have the second-busiest canal after Paris Hilton.
Philippines
Mi casa es su landfill.
Poland
We'd write an insult about Poland, but they'd just send themselves the hate mail.
Romania
Come see our museum of the Middle Ages. We call it "Romania."
Russia
The perfect marriage of rampant corruption and tacky track suits.
St. Kitts & Nevis
You know, after you get through the shrinking population and the low birth rate, there's almost no one left to die during hurricane season.
Samoa
Kind of like Fiji, but without all the reasons to go there.
Saudi Arabia
You'll come for the history, you'll stay because they arrested your wife for accidentally showing her ankles.
Serbia
You tried ethnic cleansing; how about cleaning your armpits?
Sierra Leone
You fought for the British in World War I, now you're fighting for your first working toilet.
Slovakia
In 1993, Czechoslovakia was split into two seperate parts: Slovakia, and the good part.
Somalia
Plagued by decades of civil war. Come on, guys, there's plenty of rubble for everyone!
Spain
Five hundred years ago, you were a global superpower, and now you're not. Hmm, that's strange. Oh well, time for another four-hour nap!
Sweden
Your contributions to the world: crappy furniture and Stockholm Syndrome.
Syria
We haven't bombed you yet. Still, I'd hold off on any major contruction projects.
Taiwan
Oh wait, you're not a real country. You're China's bitch!
Tajikistan
Congratulations, you're where Uzbekistanis go to feel better about themselves.
Thailand
Where you can have sex with a 14-year-old prostitute, if they're willing to come out of retirement.
Togo
You've got it all... and by "it all," I mean risk of both bacterial and protozoal diarrhea.
Trinidad & Tobago
The Siegfried & Roy of the Lesser Antilles.
Tunisia
Remember that scene in Star Wars when they're on that desert planet and they go into that bar with all those weird creatures? Guess what, that was filmed in Tunisia, and those weren't actors!
Turkey
Formerly the Ottoman Empire, whose greatest achievement was inventing a piece of furniture to rest your feet on.
Turkmenistan
Why don't more people give their children Turkmen names? I don't know, let's ask President Gurbanguly Berdymuhammedov.
Turks & Caicos
Where the national library is housed under the reception desk of a Sandals Resort.
Uganda
Situated right between Rwanda and the Sudan. Jealous?
United Arab Emirates
You're remarkably tolerant on women's rights: you let them drive a car to their stoning.
United Kingdom
The sun never sets on the United Kingdom, and it never rose on British dentistry.
Uzbekistan
You've got a novel way to fight corruption: you don't have anything worth stealing!
Vanuatu
You have more than a hundred local languages; in other words, over a hundred ways to say "Hey, remember when Survivor was here?"
Vietnam
Come and reunite your sneakers with the eight-year-olds who made them.
Virgin Islands
Well you wouldn't be, if you weren't so damn ugly.
Wallis & Fortuna
The reason for your people's long lifespan? Not even Death knows where the hell you are!
Yemen
If you think Yemen is too tough on shoplifters, raise your right stump.
Zambia
Don't let anyone tell you that you're dirt-poor. You've got plenty of dirt!
Zimbabwe
You'll come for the country's pristine natural beauty. You'll stay because rogue soldiers have chained you to a burned-out jeep.
Weekly Rant # 1
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF??? Animals that evolution should have taken out a long time ago. I mean seriously, lets look at the manatee. This creature looks like an obese seal's even more morbidly obese cousin. I mean when your biggest threat to your life is boat engines, you should have punched your ticket a long time ago. How have sharks not found out about these things yet? Great white sharks love seals, I think manatees would be like the veal of the ocean. Also look at the flamingo. They are a neon pink bird with legs that could be broken if they were involved in a big wheel accident. I want to open a store where you pay $29.95 to double bounce a flamingo on a trampoline. Finally, The myotonic or fainting goat. (Although I really do want a flock of these as pets). Here we have an animal whose main self defense is to pass out when it is startled or frightened (yes I know that they don't actually faint/pass out and that it is actually a locking up of the muscles), but again how have wolves not found out about these yet? All they have to do is walk (not even sneak) up on a herd and they can pick and choose from the herd. Fainting Goats are like the Woody Allen of the animal community. Carnivores need to get on their A-game and figure this stuff out because, I'M SICK OF IT!!!
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