The Trix Rabbit

I feel so sorry for the Trix Rabbit. He has tried for so many years to eat some Trix and little A-Hole kids just take it away from him.  He has had to go to great lengths with very elaborite ruses just for a bowl of cereal that costs about $2.00 a box.  Also, what kind of message are we sending to our children?  Don't give this rabbit Trix because he is different.  That is disgusting!  I know that trix are not for everybody like the elderly,  diabetics, infants, or terrorists (they can't handle the delicious taste of sweet freedom); but a rabbit?  I give my dogs Trix 3 times a day in lieu of the more traditional "dog food".  This anti rabbit sentiment is, with lack of a better term, racist, but I digress. I might be a bit more sympathetic because I am older now and am no longer a child, but I feel for his plight on a daily basis. If I ever had the opprotunity to give that poor soul some Trix, I would because I am not an elitist jerk. Trix are not just for kids, they are for everyone. Get over yourselves kids, one day you will grow old as well.

Friday Countdown # 2: The 13 Biggest Pussies of All Time

#13 Charlie Wilcox from Suburban Comando


There is not much to say about this big ole puss.  He had a crappy job, a crappy car, and a gnarly snaggletooth wife until Intergalactic Hero Chet Ramsey rented out his garage apartment.  When the galaxy's meanest bounty hunters and war lords came after him, not much changed.  He was still a whinny, neurotic pussy.  The only time that he ever kind of mans up is when his family is in danger, and even then his only fighting move was to grab a guy by the sack with a metal power glove.  However, in his defense I have never had the chance to yell, "I WAS FROZEN TODAY".  Classic.



# 12  The Riddler from Batman Forever



The Riddler is the only Super Villain to make the list, only because he is just such a flamboyant pussy.  As a wrestler, I have no problem rocking a singlet, but The Riddler spends the entire film prancing around in green (and on occasion light up) tights.  The only person that he kills the entire movie is an elderly man, and when he does him in, he screams like the girliest little girl since Shirley Temple.  I am surprised that he doesn't rock his cane in one hand a a neon green Appletini in the other.



# 11 Pvt. William Hudson from Aliens



Pvt Hudson is one of the biggest pussy offenders on the list.  He comes off as this hard ass, shit talking, smart mouthed marine, but when push comes to shove he shows his real colors.  After his most of his squad is taken out by aliens, he turns from badass to puss in two shakes of a little lamb's tail.  His famous quote "Game over man, it's game over" could be a truer statement.  I could not wait for this yellow bellied coward to bite it, and when he finally does, it's glorious.  The reason why he isn't lower on the list is he is probably the only person who has ever held a fire arm, much less been in a combat situation.  He's still a pussy though.

# 10 The Sherminator from American Pie


Oh my God, The Sherminator is almost too painful to even talk about.  This guy has nothing going for him, a skinny, awkward, spiked hair ginger who lies about getting laid.  Can you get you find a more loathsome and wretched human being.  I want to punch every inch of this pussy from his feet to his soul.  One of the best parts of the American Pie series is when he gets told off by that curly headed bitch at the party.  You just see his life come crashing down, and I got a very sick pleasure from that.  Ugh, what a pussy.

# 9 Frodo Baggins from Lord of the Rings

Rounding out the single digits is Frodo Baggins, hands down the most apathetic pussy on this list.  I am not going to comment on the homosexual undertones between Frodo and Sam, but what I will comment on is how Frodo is a worthless pussy without Sam.  Frodo does not successfully fight off anything in three movies.  He has two moves, turn and run like a bitch or stand in slow motion with deer in the headlight eyes and slowly put on The Ring and wait for Sam to tackle/grab him out of harms way.  Even in the end when he decides to not destroy the ring, he is beaten by having his finger bit off.  Really a finger injury is all it takes?  What a pussy.

# 8 Louis Tully from Ghost Busters

This guy is the quintessential 80s pusswa.  He is the total package, rocking greased back hair, absolutely no game with women, scared of one small little daemon dog from hell.  He runs like a sissy from any sign of danger, and there is just something so pussified by his voice that you want to rip out his larynx.  He has this swagger about him like he just shit his pants at all time.  I will give him props though for scoring with both Sigourney Weaver and Annie Potts.  Although you are a huge vag, we still miss you Rick Moranis.

# 7 Woody Allen from Every Woody Allen Movie Ever Made

Again there isn't much I can say about Woody Allen because I have never actually seen a single Woody Allen movie, but he pretty much speaks for himself.  Just watch, and "thats all I have to say about that".

# 6 Donald Gennaro from Jurassic Park

Not only is this guy a piece of shit, but he is also one huge pussy.  I know that lawyers are supposed to be sleazy, but what kind of a man leaves two defenseless children alone while a rampaging T-Rex is about to fuck all kinds of shit up?  A pussy thats who!  Although his time on screen was short lived (ending in one of the best comeuppance scenes of all time), but he did a good enough job to solidify his place as # 6 in this list.  "Blood sucking lawyer".

# 5 Screech Powers from Saved by the Bell

As big of a pussy as this guy is, you gotta love Screech Powers.  What a weird, weak, pathetic, and just plain sad pussy.  However, you have to respect the gang for letting this guy hang out with them.  Although Lisa Turtle was the biggest bitch to him, he didn't let that get him down.  He chased that piece of ass, and although his puss factor cock-blocked him every step of the way, he was persistent.  You have to respect that about him, even though he is SUUUUUUUCH a pussy.

# 4 C3P0 from Star Wars

I didn't think you could find a robotic pussy outside of a sex shop, but C3PO has proved me wrong.  He is like the male british nanny that no one ever wanted.  A walking, talking, gold snatch that brings nothing to the table but belly aching and  annoying odds.  No one wants to know their odds of survival, that is such a bitch move to pull in a life or death situation.  To make things even worse, in Episodes 1-3 he started making one liners that were not fucking funny.  Only action stars are allowed to make one liners, not annoying robo-pussies.

# 3 Corporal Timothy Upham from Saving Private Ryan


Corporal Timothy Upham makes.  It must have been difficult for Upham, being in the military and being surrounded by so many brave soldiers when he was such a sacred, quivering pussy.  His inability to take a life and be a man cost a member of his company his life.  His friend was slowly stabbed to death in the neck while he sat against a wall and cried.  The only person that Upham kills is an unarmed German soldier.  Jack Bauer would be ashamed to know that they are even from the same country (except for killing an unarmed man, he would smile at that).

# 2 Slippy the Toad from Star Fox

Anybody who has ever played Star Fox knows exactly why Slippy is the 2nd biggest pussy of all time.  The entire game, Slippy is getting into one mess after another, and asks for your help the whole time.  There is nothing more annoying than having to save this stupid's pussy's life time and time again.  How in the hell did this little bitch become a part of the greatest space fighter squad of all time.  However, the worst part is Slippy's voice.  That shrill panicky voice gets so annoying after the first level, you would rather get ear raped by Gilbert Godfree and Fran Drescher.  Finally are you ready for the bomb, Slippy is a dude.  No shit, he is a male, and with a voice like that there is no wonder why he is # 2.  I hate you so fucking much Slippy and no I won't "Help You".

# 1 Ruby Rhod from The 5th Element



Wow, just wow.  There aren't enough synonyms for the word pussy to even begin to describe Ruby Rhod.  If he did not have the slightest pencil thin mustache (which only pussies have), he would be completely indistinguishable from a woman.  His outfits would make the trashiest transvestite blush, couple that with his voice and BINGO you have the biggest pussy of all time.  Watch the video and, wow just wow.

Thursday Throw Down Part 2

                Who would in in an all out brawl?

Godzilla back when he was a badass, and not pussified and turned into a hero (with a lame ass son)


vs.

All of the original GI JOEs


Please leave your comments on who you would pick in a fight to the death.

Wednesday Worst # 1

On Wednesday's Worst, I will post an example of something.  Here is the WORST movie stunt I have ever seen:

Tuesday's Things That Need to Make a Comeback

Without a shadow of a doubt, the late 80s/ early 90s was the best generation to be a kid in.  Our TV shows were superior, our toys were still relatively dangerous, and there weren't any MySpace predators to look out for (just the creepy vans by the playground but you could easily avoid the depending on the candy they offered).  Now a days, kids spend all their time indoors on XBOX Live and/or playing with child safe toys.  It is sad that this generation of kids will probably never know the joys of digging a hole with a stick or riding a bike without a suit of armor.  Here are two things that if they made a triumphant comeback, we could toughen up this generation.

1) The Nerf Ball Blaster/Nerf Bow and Arrow

The Nerf Ball Blaster and Bow and Arrow were two of the most badass toys of all time.  In my house we used to have epic Nerf Wars with our friends that used to last for hours at a time.  Chasing my brother down and blasting him with an arrow or ball to the face is a joy that cannot be described only experienced.  One of the best aspects of these amazing toys was, if you did get hit right in the eye, it hurt like hell.  Sure the projectiles were made of a soft foam, but still a point blank shot to the eye was a certain recipe for tears and a good yelling by my mother.  They could also de some serious damage to any pictures hanging in the house, and breaking one of these was also grounds for a yelling at or beating.  Now a days the Nerf guns (although they look badass) are way too advanced and sadly harmless.  Kids these days will never know the sick pleasure or purposely causing your friends or brothers to have a scratched cornea.

2) The Super Soaker 50-200

It is a rare opportunity to live in a time period when a beloved toy evolves into one of the most badass creations of all time.  The water gun was always a fun toy, but it wasn't until 1991 that water gun fights because the most intense fucking things ever.  It started with the Super Soaker 50, the most ground breaking water gun of all time.  When this bad boy came out, not to have one at a pool party was a grave error in judgement and detrimental to your dryness and sanity.  Being unarmed at a pool party with several homies packing Fities was a mistake that few made twice.  The Super Soaker evolved through out the early 90's, the Super Soaker 75, 100, 150, 175xp, and 200 were the original (and in my eyes, only) predecessor.  However, bigger does not always mean better which is why the newer and bigger Super Soakers just plain suck ass.  They don't pack the same punch as their retro little brother.  If it was to be re-released next year as a 10 Year Anniversary Edition, you would find my ass in the pool super soaking the hell out of anything I lay my eyes on. 

People Ninjas Should Assassinate #2

Mario Lopez

Ninjas need to storm the set of Access Hollywood and do this to him and all of his co-workers.

Weekly Rant # 2

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF???  Celebrities!  I mean honestly, who gives a shit about these ego maniacs?  Is it any of our business to know or care about who is having a baby, getting a divorce, cheating on their fake relationship, or their fucking political views?  No, but sometime in this countries history we made it our number one priority, and now it has saturated every form of media.  Shows like access Hollywood or anything on VH1 are disgusting, and should be made illegal.  Someone needs to find Mario Lopez and make an example of him (in fact I think I know who Ninjas Should assassinate next...).  It is sad that on he front page of any news source, there is a story about "Poor Sandra Bullock" and her cheating husband.  Wait a second, isn't our country at WAR right now and this has precedent over fucking WAR?  During WWII do you think anyone gave a shit what celebrities were doing?  No, because back then they had the gall to fight in the war over seas.  We should give the all tools of The Jersey Shore an M-4 Carbine and let them go fight some terrorists.  Actually I would pay to see "The Situation's" head popping like a zit on Pay-Per-View, but I digress.  This country needs to end its sick obsession with celebrities and get its priorities straight, BECAUSE I'M SICK OF IT!!!

By the way the next time a female celebrity refers to herself as a "Diva", I am going to run them down with a bulldozer.