It's Been A While

This current group has me pretty occupied with "so many activities", but here is what I have been up to since I left Barcelona:

1: hanging out at the beach in Nice during the day, and some hard-ass parkouring around the streets at night. There is nothing like watching goofy white kids (and adults) doing some sick parkour

2: Skydiving and more Canyoning in Interlaken. Check off one more thing off my bucket list that wasn't on my bucket list. A 14,000ft jump out of a helicopter was one of the most amazing things I have ever done. Unlike bungie jumping, I really enjoyed it even though I almost pissed my pants the entire time. The canonying trip was different, longer, and all around more badass than my 1st trip. Jumping, rappelling, and sliding down water falls in a canyon in the Swiss Alps is a damn good, but cold time. I highly suggest it.

3: Visiting the Dachau Concentration Camp outside of Munich. It was a very sobering and somber adventure but well worth it if you are a fan of history. It is one of the most depressing places in the world, which leads me to a question. Why do Asian tourists think it is ok to take pictures in a gas chamber, pointing to the vents while smiling? So many tasteless pictures that we had no choice but to try and photo bomb them.

4: The royal palace accompanied by a classical concert in Prague. This trip can't all be fun and games, the kids need some culture, and we got more than our share in Prague. The tour was nice, and so was the concert; but I learned that you can't try and force culture down an 18 year old's throat.

5: Arrived back in Amsterdam last night after our 3rd horrible problem with the European trIn system. We have had to deal with having the wrong itinerary and tickets going to interlaken, a train strike in Munich (which lead to us taking a bus to some random city in the Czech Republic and meeting the most outrageous homeless person I have ever seen. At one point he had 5 flies on his face and one in his mouth. We dubbed him "Dirty Mike"), and having the wrong itinerary for the 2nd time and a 3 hour delay. We got in last night at 11, and are now looking forward to 2 days of adventures in Amsterdam. Heiniken museum get ready.

Trip 2 has started and I am FINALLY out of Spain!

My mew group arrived 3 days ago and I can already tell that this is going to be a blast. Everyone is different, and they all bring their own quirks to the party. The main thing that I realize is thAt these guys are ruthless to each other (and I do not help the situation...in fact I am. Pretty sure i make it 250% worse). This trip os going to be epic mainly because they want to make it memorable. It is easy to take around a group of people who want nothing more in the world than to have fun. Spain had gotten old after spending 13 days there. I swear if I had to eat tapas one more time I was going to snap. The first thing I did in spain was...eat tapas, once my new group arrived the first thing we did was...eat tapas. There is only so much squid and ham that you can eat before you lose your mind. It doesn't help that I got food poisoning in Madrid and the last thing I ate was...squid and ham. Kind of turns you off the whole thing. I swore to myself that I was done with eating pizza, but arriving here in Nice I have never been happier to crush some za, bra. Our next stop is Interlaken again, and I only have one thing left to do, and for my parents sake, I wont mention it until I am done, but I will give you a hint, it rhymes with "high fiving" and it involves a helicopter.

Trip 1 is Done

Well my 1st Euro trip has come to an end. It is sad to see this group of kids go, we had a blast (only wish I hadn't gotten food poisoning the last 2 days after drinking a beer that I think mixed with the sewage lines). Here is what I learned from our outings:

1: Haley is some sort of sorcerer. She is the only person to lose both her passport and cell phone in 2 different countries and have them both returned. She MUST be dabbeling in the dark arts.

2: Pub crawls are hit or miss, depending on the city. Amsterdam pub crawl was amazing and ten kids had a blast...I think. Prague and Madrid pub crawls are creepy and kind of remind me of hanging out with circus folk.

3: Barcelona is sketchy as hell. Between the gangs, pickpockets, Indian dudes with mouth squeekers,and having Ricky lead us down Prostitute and Knife Wound Alley (we literally saw a blood trail) I would be hard pressed to go back again...oh wait I go back in 2 days. Damn it!

4: if you do get pick pocketed, check to see if you didn't put your wallet in your suitcase before you cancel your credit, debit cards.

5: The girlfriends on this trip are the bread winners of the relationship. After 1 pickpocteting and one fake pickpocketing, watching the boys have to ask their girlfriends for money on a daily basis was a lot of fun. Way to go Jen and Mad Dog, support your men.

6: A simple countdown from 5 can get you to do anything. "Jump out of this gondola", "Hell no!". "5, 4,3,2,1", and somehow I jumped. It also works on jumping off waterfalls.

7: Doing a "Texas, Fight!" yell can get you thrown out of the biggest beer haus in Munich. Eventhough I 100% refused to yell it, I still sat back and watched out sweet girls get the boot. Apparently Munic is full of Aggies. Gig 'em Munich.

8: In order to the a bicycle lisence in Amsterdam, you have to be a hot woman or a creepy dude. On the same note, in order to get a moped lisence in Amsterdam, you have to be a creepy dude, with another creepy dude riding tandem with you. I'm looking at you KellY and Marty

9: What in the hell is wrong with Europen guys fashion? I cannot begin to describe some of the outfits I saw. Jorts, skinny jeans, and capris are only the tip of the iceberg. Worst of all it doesn't stop there, the haircuts were nothing short of amazing. Mullets, fauxhawks, and most amazing of all, the Jedi Padawan front braid from Star Wars Episode II were everywhere. I'm pretty sure that where I'm from you'd get your ass kicked for dressing like that.

10: Regardless of where we are in the world, the top two most consumed foods by 18 year olds are pizza and late night McDonalds. I'm not going to lie, in Munich I did wake up next to a bag of shame (an empty 10 piece McNugget and a large fries), but I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself that I never went back. These kids crushed McDonalds on almost a nightly basis. It was amazing and awe-inspiring to witness.

All in all, the trip was amazing, but not without drama. Mixing guys and girls may not have been the best idea, but it did work out in the end (thanks Bones for coming back and making everything all better). Would I do it again, absolutely. Would I try and escort the girls home when curfew is up absolutely not (I think I am losing my hair due to stress). Would I go out with the guys to the pub, absolutely. Would I go out with the group to a club, absolutely not. Especially when random 40 year old spanards are punching Charlie in the face (mark that one off your bucket list). Well, I have a nice 3 day rest before my next group gets here. Time to catch up on some sleep, laundry, and detox.

Barcelona...the sketchiest place in Europe

Don't get me wrong, Barcelona is a great city. The bars are wonderful, the food is beyond great, and the beach is one of the most amazing ones I have ever been on. However, there are a lot of problems with this city:

1: What is the deal with Indian dudes and their squeaky advertisement toys. I am not sure what these things are but the most common thing I can compare them to is a high pitched turkey call. Indian dudes are every 30ft selling glowing rubber band fired spinning things (again the best name I could come up with) and squeaking these horrible sounds. I didn't want to buy your crappy helicopter in the first place, and squeaking in my face isn't helping your sale.

2: Graffiti. Why do punks feel the need to spray paint everything the see. Grow up and stop ruining everything you see.

3: The elderly. I thought Florida had a lot of old folks living there and reining in their twilight years, but Barcelona trumps them with old folks doing the same thing but being active. Do you have any idea hoe hard it is to pass a group of 90 year old women WALKING down the street? It's impossible! You can't be rude, but they can't hurry up. Don't they know that they are old and their life is coming to a close? Shouldn't they be moving with a bit more haste? I've seen younger people at the nickel slots in New Orleans.

4: Thugs rule the city. Screw Compton, CA in the early 90s, Barcelona is riddled with gangs. We saw 2 Americans getting beaten up by 8 Spanish dudes in a back alley. The Batman in me wanted to help them, but my lack of stab wound protection didn't let it happen. Walking away from this mugging was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life. I have never felt more helpless for my fellow man, and for my ability to defend him. It was very, very sad.

Here is what happened to our group, it is kind of like the first three days of the 12 days of Christmas, but with crime:
1: Night club face punching by some random Spaniard who was grabbing our girls. However, kind of like Buster Bluth, getting in the face was on his bucket list, so he isn't upset about it. Actually he made a few people on our trip jealous.
2: Vinyl clocks bought. Sorry dad but I bought you two badass vinyl clocks, one of the stones And on of the dead, but surprise surprise, the clocks stopped working and I left them in Barcelona.
3: People robbed. Well honestly it is one, but one kid had his wallet stolen while sleeping on the train. One thought his wallet was stolen at a night club, but found out the next day that he put it in his bag. The last, Charner, had some random chick try and steal her purse while walking back from breakfast. Luckily her karate stance scarred the chick off.

I am currently in Madrid which is an amazing city. This group has 2 days left and then it gets started again. I finally found a computer with a CD drive so I will try and post my pics from Interlaken tomorrow.

Interlaken

reetings from the south of France. The beaches are amazing, the food is excellent, and there are plenty of topless old women to oggle at. Interlaken was one of the most intense and amazibg experiences of my life. I jumped 450 feet out of a gondola, went paragliding off if a mountain and over the city, and most fun of all, I went canyoning which involved jumping off waterfalls, rapelling, and swimming through rapids. Needless to say I might be over my fear of heights. I was standing 450ft over a lake telling myself that there is no way in hell that I am going to jump. However, you would be amazed at what a simple countdown from 5 can accomplish. Everyone asked me if I would ever duo it again and my anwser is hell no! Once was more than enough All of my pics from my activities from Interlaken are on 2 cds and when I get to a comp, I will post them.

Munich, the most fun city in the world...so far

I am currently in Munich and I have never seen a city that has more fun drinking and having a good time. First of all the beers here are HUGE! I'm talking about a whole liter of the most delicious beer in the world, and somehow due to German witchcraft, they never get warm. Last night We went to 2 different beer hauses and everyone was singing, laughing and having a blast. It is amazing how people this friendly could be responsible for the deaths of millions of people. On that note, the group is going to a Concentration Camp today. I opted to stay with the kids who didn't want to go because i am going with my next group and I don't want to have to visit the most depressing place in the world more than once. It will be good for the kids, and i hope they don't come back too sad to enjoy one of our girl's birthdays. It would be a shame for them to be depressed while drinking 100000000 liters of beer.

Things I learned in Prague

Prague is hands down the coolest city that I have been to so far. The city is amazing and I will have photos up when I figure out how. Now on To the good stuff.

1: For $25 American, in a Thai Message Parlor, you can...stick your feet it an aquarium full of fish and let them eat all the dead skin. It was the strangest feeling in the world, not to mention you have to do it in the window display of the busiest street in Prague. Needless to say, I made a lot of new friends.

2: Never go on a pub crawl in Prague. It is bad when the chaperone of a trip for 18 year olds is the 2nd youngest man in the bar. Also, 18 year old women do not like 45 year old Indian dudes. Whodda thunk it?

3: For every icing, there is an equal and opposite re-icing. The kids thought it was cute to Ice me in Amsterdam, but they are being picked off one by one by a very spiteful chaperone.

4: Casinos in the Czek Republic are pretty sketchy. Just to prove a point to my kids that they were getting ripped off I bet about $20 in black Jack and got waxed. Now anyone who has seen me play blackjack before knows I'm worthless at it, but this was a whole new level of awful. Damn thiefs.

5: Europe has a funny way of balancing itself out. I saw hands down the most attractive women in Prague, but at the same time I saw the ugliest human beings in the world. They made the women of state fairs look like Playboy bunnies. I'm surprised that their government let's them go outside during the day time without wearing a bee keeper suit. If you want to make millions of dollars, go to Prague and make Halloween masks out of these women's faces. Kids would have nightmares for years.

6: Skinny jeans are sadly still popular here, but at the same time so are jorts. Again Europe has balanced itself out. As lame and emberrasing as skinny jeans are, an old man wearing extremely inappropriate jorts is badass enough that I can forgive the jeans.

7: What is the deal with pizza places and argentine steak houses? Everywhere you go, this is all you can see. Now I love pizza and steak, but come on! How do these places stay in business when 90% of the resturaunts in your county sell the exact same thing? Luckily Germany is different.

8: going to the bathroom costs a lot of money. Why in the hell are they allowed to charge you .50 Euros to use the toilet? I have spent more money on expelling the food I ate, than the food itself. It's cool though, I got my revenge of the bathroom in Prague's Royal Palace.

9: Hotdogs are now ruined for me. I had a late night hot dog and it was hands down one of the best things I have ever eaten. I can never go back to Oscar Meyer now. Damn you Prague.

10: Trying to get 10 girls back from a bar is harder than herding cats on catnip and cocaine. They wonder, yell, talk yo every guy they pass, and are HUNGRY! Not to say that they aren't a ton of fun, but getting them home explains why I am getting paid so much to do this.

Euro trip days 1-3

Day 1
So I landed in Amsterdam and was thrown right into the mix. No rest, no naps, 23 hours of painful travel next the oldest human beings I have ever met. It was like hanging out with Larry King's grandparents. Did plenty of tourist sight seeing, followed by a pub crawl. I did my job as chaperone and stopped one silly fight. The words "my friend plays football and he will kick your ass" doesn't carry much weight in Europe. No one is afraid of footballers here.

Day 2
Woke up with a hangover which I 100% deserved. Learned how to handle train rides and took a water tour of Amsterdam. It is amazing how a beer can cure all that ales ya. Next up a 14 hour train ride. Several bottles of wine and Kinkaid gossip later, I find myself in the czek republic.

Day 3
Apparently cellphone service in Prague is not all it is made out to be. Can't get or send texts which is great for a chaperone. The city here is amazing. I figured all former USSR counties to be very grey with 0 people smiling. Well is it very grey and no one is smiling but I cannot figure out why. This city is amazing, but unfortunately I have to chaperone another pub crawl. Wish me luck

Things I Learned From George and Melissa's Wedding

1: A 4am wakeup the day after your brother's wedding is not the cat's pajamas

2: Never challenge anyone from Georgia to a dance off. They have moves that would make a porn star blush

3: Good pitching wins whiffle ball games, bad pitching loses it.

4: I am the Stephanie Tanner of the family, but at least I don't need a laugh track...Michelle

5: If teaching doesn't work out I could have a pretty lucrative rock career

6: To follow up on number 5, it is borderline Impossible to sing the lyrics "cry of the wind, spirit of fire, heart of a lion" off of an iPhone without cracking up.

7: Powerhouse Jerry may be down but he is NEVER out!

8: Rad has a much bigger following than I gave it credit for, way to go Bill Allen, you deserve it.

9: Jim Rubenstein will eves drop on you on the toilet. So will Bo.

10: If someone is not Baptized and you give him a swirly with a priest in the room, it still counts.

11: I finally figured out what cheese puffs are

12: Ponderosa brings out the best in some, but the worst in others.

13: Closing deals is what life is all about.