On Hiatus

Hello friends,
I am sorry to say that until further notice I will be on hiatus.  My schedule in the winter is completely consumed with wrestling and I will not have the proper time to maintain my blog to my standards.  If I do have any free time I will make updates, but until further notice I will be taking a sabbatical.  I am very sorry and I hope that this can make up for my short coming:



and this





and this

Weekly Rant # 10

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF??? AIRPORT SECURITY!!!  Now this has been something that has been bugging me for a while, and now it's time to take action.  I understand that we have to keep our people safe from terrorism attacks, but airport security is insane.  First of all, let's talk about the people who run the security checks.  I wouldn't trust these idiots to protect a Wal-Mart much less an airport.  They are either 177 years old or they look and act like an escaped mental patient.  How are we giving these "people" power?  Also, what about me screams terrorist?  I know that we live in a society where we cannot profile people, but come on...me???  Let's take a look at the shoe bomber:

What about this guy doesn't scream terrorist???  He has a crazy terrorist beard, crazy terrorist eyes, and oh yeah he tried to blow himself up by lighting his shoe on fire.  How does this guy not get stopped and I ALWAYS get the "random check"?  On that note, what kind of an asshole tries to blow up his shoe, thanks to him I now have to remove my shoes every time I go through security.  Thats BS!!!  There has been one failed attempt to blowing up a shoe, and now that is our biggest concern?  Finally the list of things that can be brought on to an airplane I think is now around 5 things.  Everything else is now banned, shampoo, finger nail clippers, shoe bombs...I mean we are losing all of our freedoms here.  Remember the days when you could smoke on planes???  Well I don't but some of you might, now if someone pulls out a lighter, they will have a sky marshall foot so far up their ass, that they could untie his shoes with their tongue.  Now I understand that terrorism is a real threat and I am happy that I am being kept safe, but I guarantee that Old Man Rivers working the XRAY machine is not the one keeping my plane from blowing up.  Keep me safe, but let me keep my bottle of water on the plane because, I'M SICK OF IT!!!!

Thursday Throw Down 6

Who would win in a battle royale fight to the death?

Freddy


Jason


The Predator


Chucky


Michael Myers


The Leprechaun 


Alien


Dr. Hannibal Lecter


Mark Summers

Wednesday Worst # 10

WORST SOCCER FLOPPERS EVER

These people are the reason that I do not fully respect the sport of soccer.  This kind of pansy like behavior happens way too ofter (I'm talking to you Uganda), and it is an embarrassment to an all-around great sport.  Anyone who flops should get a red card and have his legs broken to show what it really feels like to get hurt.  This is why floppers should be punished more severely:
http://www.nowpublic.com/strange/goran-tunjic-soccer-player-gets-yellow-card-dying-field-2613740.html

Weekly Rant # 9

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF???  Inflatable Halloween and Christmas decorations!!!  I know that Americans are by genetics lazy, but come on.  Decorating your house for Halloween and Christmas is supposed to be fun and hard work, and there is nothing about plugging in a giant inflatable cat or snow globe that takes even a smidget of hard work or creativity.  Lazy and uncreative Americans have found a way to mass produce and Walmart-ize house decorations, and it is just annoying.  My neighbors have a giant inflatable ghost in their front yard and all it does is create too much light, make too much noise, and make their house look gaudy.  It pains me to see a house that goes all out with spider webs, ghosts, witches, etc right next to a lazy ass giant skull.  I would take personal offense if I put in all the effort to make my house look good, and all you use is an extension cord.  Now I do not condone vandalism or anything illegal, but it is awesome when people take a knife to these abominations.  Nothing makes me laugh harder than a deflated ghost because some freedom loving Halloween aficionado (or punk teenager) has decided to show their disgust and put an end to good ole inflatable Casper.  People need to stop buying these lazy pieces of junk (or they just might get popped, wink, wink), and decorate their houses with the same gusto that Halloween deserves because I'M SICK OF IT!!!!

Friday Countdown # 8: The Top 13 Ugliest Chicks in Movies

# 13 Two Weeks

I know that in the movie, this is Arnold in drag, but this woman is nasty looking.  The turkey neck coupled with her awesomely red hair makes her a sight to behold.  When I was younger, this scene used to scare the crap out of me for some reason, and is probably one of the reasons that I do not fully trust gingers.  You never know, they could all just be Arnold in disguise.



# 12  What is That?  Is That A Hammerhead Shark/Sewer Rat Hybrid?

I know that some of my younger friends are going to raise hell for this one, but let me be frank, TAYLOR SWIFT IS NOT HOT!  In fact I find her to be quite ugly.  The title pretty much sums it up, she looks like a cross between a sewer rat and a hammerhead shark.  Her eyes are so damn far apart that you could punch her square in the face and not give her a black eye.  Also her lips are pursed like she is constantly gnawing on a lemon or Sour Atomic Warhead.  If you are into that kind of thing, fine, to each his own, but count me out.  I do think that she would kick some serious ass in a game of Marco Polo with her full 360 degrees of under water visibility.

# 11 Thank God She Dies

Now Mrs. Sturak is only in the movie for about ten minutes, but she makes a serious impact.  She s the quintessential ugly old chick with her poofy white hair, gross smoker's yellow teeth, and a voice that sound like someone has a bullfrog in a choke hold.  Not to mention that she is a total jerk to all of the kids.  It is usually not cool when old people die, but she really had it coming.  Good riddance.



# 10 I'm Cheating but Still Ugly

Ok so technically Ms Doubtfire is not a woman, but I would be remised if I did not include "it" on the list.  Robin Williams is ugly, but Robin Williams in old lady drag is almost unspeakable. Now I decided to use a re-cut trailer of the movie that makes it look like a horror film to help express the true terror that is Robin Williams in gross old lady drag.

*Honorable Mention*
Thanks for Everything 

I decided that I would only allow one drag queen on the list, but it would be plain wrong of me if I did not even mention the cast of To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar.  Wesley Snipes, John Leguizamo, and the late Patrick Swayze all in drag.  Wow they make some ugly women.


# 9 One Hell of a Makeover

Charlize Theron is smoking hot, even when she is playing a mentally retarded english chick on Arrested Development.  That is why this ugly chick is so damn impressive.  They went from offensively attractive Charlize Theron to crack whore look-a-like.  That must have been some serious make up work, and damn them for doing it.  Sure it nabbed her an Oscar, but at what cost Charlize, at what cost?

# 8 Surprise, Surprise, Another Ginger

Man, every movie that Molly Ringwall is made 125% grosser just because she is in it.  She is a whinny, toothy, awkward brat and I cannot stand her.  Only in the 80s can a ginger this gross find so much fame and fortune.  Luckily once the logical 90s rolled around, we dropped her like a gross ginger girlfriend.  The sad thing is, she is the only chick in the "Brat Pack", and those guys wouldn't touch her with a 20 foot pole.

# 7 The Romanovian Rose

Hell yeah, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat Bar.  There are fewer things hotter than the Princess Leia buns mixed with an Englishman's teeth and Eugene Levy's eyebrows.  Man not only is this chick gross, but she is also beefy as hell.  She is the most dangerous woman in the world with a dodgeball, and to look at.

# 6 Look Who Made the List Again

I hate to repeat myself, but holy hell Large Marge is ugly.  You know that you are a looker when you have the word large in your name.  She has the sex appeal of a lesbian lumberjack and a matching jacket to complete the set.  However, this version of Large Marge is a beauty pageant winner compared to her deformed ghost face.  Not even a face that a mother could love.

# 5 Do You Believe in Magic

Now Emma Thompson is not exactly a looker, but the make up treatment that she got in Nanny McPhee makes her look like a train wreck (if that train was filled with cadavers).  She has the nose of Ernest Borgnine, the teeth of Donkey from Shrek, and the physique of Danny DeVitto.  That is a combo from hell, and Nanny McPhee pull it off in strides.

# 4 Oh That's What's Eating Gilbert Grape

I am not going to say anything, but wow.

# 3 A Lot of Night Games

Marla Hooch is definitely the most likable person on the list, but my God she is ugly.  She has a chin that  could be used to cut roast beef, and a voice so deep that it rivals James Earl Jones'.  You know you are ugly when your looks are a running joke in the movie.  Not to mention that you are staring in a movie with Rosie O'Donnell and her looks are NEVER brought up, not even once.  Thats got to be a shot to your ego...

# 2 I Wouldn't Put This Oil On My Salad

The character of Olive Oil is one of the most hideous cartoon character's ever drawn (coming in 2nd only to South Park's rendition of Snookie).  If I was a woman and someone approached me about playing Olive Oil in a live adaptation of Popeye, I would slap them in the face and then kill myself.  The sad thing is, Shelly Duvall pulls it off so damn well.  I feel so bad for her, and hate her at the same time.

# 1 This Is What Happens When You Breed a Human With a Bulldog

Words cannot begin to describe how ugly this woman is.  Anne Ramsey who starred in both Throw Mama From the Train and Goonies, makes you cringe every time she is on the screen.  She has the jowls  of a very well groomed english bulldog and the voice of a 80 year old man who smokes three cartons a day.  I love this woman because you can use her as an example:
"Man that chick was ugly, now she wasn't "the mom from the Goonies" ugly, but she is ugly".

Thursday Throw Down 5

GENERIC 90s ROCK BAND BATTLE ROYALE

The 90's was an awesome decade for mediocre music, and nothing was more mediocre than rock music in the 90's.  I have decided to change the Thursday Throw Down a bit and allow you to vote on who you think would win in a 90s Rock Band Battle Royale.  Each week, there will be a new Battle Royale that you can vote on.  Enjoy:

The Wallflowers

vs.


Third Eye Blind


vs.


The Goo Goo Dolls


vs.

Match Box 20


vs.


Sugar Ray


vs.


Smash Mouth


vs.
*LATE EDITION!!!*


Hootie and the Blow Fish


Ok everyone please vote on the poll who you think would win in a free-for-all Battle Royale to the death.

Wednesday Worst # 9

WORST PSA EVER!!!

The reason that this is so bad is because of how serious it is taking itself.  I mean come on, this is Pee Wee Herman talking about crack.  I am not saying that he shouldn't speak out about drugs, but something this serious is funny because it is Pee Wee Herman with a straight face talking about crack.  This actually makes me want to try crack...too bad you don't know how much it takes to kill you.  Shame.

People Ninjas Should Assassinate #7

DANCING WITH THE STARS

Now I am very aware that Dancing With the Stars is not a person, but everyone involved and anyone who supports this needs to be assassinated.  I understand that I do have friends and colleagues who watch the show, so maybe fans shouldn't be murdered, but they should be maimed at the least.  First of all these people ate not "stars".  All they are are B-C level celebrities and athletes are WAY over the hill. There isn't even an inkling of a star on the entire TV show.  Also, they are doing something that ANYONE can do, what is next "Walking With the Stars", "Shitting With the Stars", or "Eating With the Stars"?  I have the same gripe with American Idol, but I will save that for another time  Anyone who watches, stars, or is involved in making this garbage deserve to have this happen to them:

Weekly Rant # 8

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF??? Shitty and inconsiderate drivers.  This has gotten out of hand, and someone needs to do something about it.  Here is an example.  On Saturday, I was driving on the freeway and there was an accident in the middle lane.  Traffic was moving, but very slowly. Out of my rearview mirror I saw a little compact car take off down the shoulder at very unsafe speeds.  They passed some 20 cars and then tried to cut me off.  I was not going to allow this bitch to get away with this so I moved my truck forward, did this stop her...NO!  She still tried to get in front of my risking doing damage to both our cars.  When I laid on my horn ever so nicely, she put her car in park, and got out like she was going to try and fight me.  Now understand, I would NEVER lay my hand on a woman, EVER, but when she started walking towards my truck screaming at me the only thing that went through my mind is, I can seriously mess this crazy bitch up.  Needless to say I gave her an unwavering stare, followed by my favorite finger.  She got in her car, cut across two more lanes and sped off.  Now where is this long winded story going?  I understand that people are shitty and inconsiderate drivers, its nature, but where have our manners gone.  If this crazy lady had just given me an "I'm sorry" wave, it would not have been a problem, but she didn't.  What has this world come to, that people don't even give the friendly wave any more?  That is outrageous that common courtesy has flown out the window and been replaced with childish behavior.  I know that this rant is not necessarily very funny, but it is bugging the absolute shit out of me.  People need to start their fellow man with common courtesy, or at least give a friendly wave.  How fucking hard is it to extend one hand and move to to and fro?  I understand if you are paralyzed or had a stroke...thats fine, you have a medical excuse.  The rest of you assholes better start because I'M SICK OF IT!!!

Wednesday Worst # 8

Oh Hai Mark!

After seeing Troll 2, I thought that I had seen the worst that the silver screen had to offer.  That was until two very good friends of mine turned me on to "The Room".  A film that was written, produced, directed, and acted by a man who I swear to God english has to be his 6th or 7th language.  He kind of reminds me of the giant bug from Men in Black who tries to act human.  This man has absolutely no understanding of the english language, and yet he claims to be from Louisiana.  I cannot figure it out, but after you watch this clip, you will be hooked on the worst movie ever made.

Friday Countdown # 7: The Top 13 Creepiest People Ever

# 13 The Whole World in His Hands

Man Steve Buschemi is already creepy enough, but when you make him a mass murderer, game over.  There is something so unsettling about his laid back, monotone attitude, and I am pretty sure they he doesn't blink.  Why won't he blink?  In the scene with the little girl I was 100% convinced that he was going to eat/rape her.  You know you are creepy when rape and cannibalism pop into my head that easily.

# 12 The Man With No Face

This is an example of someone who is not intentionally creepy, but he is none the less.  I have had some major issues with my neighbors, but I thank my lucky stars that I do not have Wilson living next door to me.  He is always peering over his neighbor's fence and dispensing advice.  This guy has taken stalker to the whole new level.  There is not a doubt in my mind that the soft spoken wilson has the bones of hundreds of little girls buried in his basement.  Worst of all, you could never pick him out of a line up.

# 11 ps I'm Horny

Wow there are fewer things more wrong than a teacher hooking up with a student, but this takes it to a whole new level of creepy.  The over weight, ex-pro wrestler turned principal who wants to have his way with Billy, is so damn off putting.  His creepily well done valentine, followed by his awful "come hither" wave sends a chill down my spine.

#10 Call it Friendo

A lot of times creepy can be very funny, this is NOT one of those times.  Anton Chigur is one of the best characters in recent history, and he is insanely creepy.  He doesn't care who he kills or how he does it.  When he walks into a room, you know that someone is going to die, and he is not even going to break a sweat or shed a tear for the fallen.  His kills range from Mexican drug lords to a hotel manager with a kitty cat.  Not to mention he rocks the Bieber haircut, man that shit is creepy.

# 9 Are You a Man or a Woman?

Wow, what the hell is this thing.  Everything about Pat is overwhelmingly creepy, it's voice, outfit, and especially its F.U.P.A make it an oddity to behold.  Although It't Pat is a terrible movie, I cannot look away because something about Pat is hypnotizing.  Pat is weird enough, but when you ad Pat's girl/boyfriend Chris, Kathy Griffin, and a cameo by the band Ween, you have awkward creepy gold.

# 8 Is That Your Face?

The story of Rocky Dennis is a touching one.  A boy with a deformed face and a heart of gold tries to fit in, but the harsh reality of society makes it blah blah blah.  Look at this kid's face, I mean holy shit it is the most deformed thing I have seen since Kuato came out of that guy's stomach in total recall.  I don't want to be mean, but you could land an F-15 on his forehead.  His head is so massive that it couldn't even fit in Condoleezza Rice's tooth gap.  Also, he looks oddly like Carrot Top, creepy!

# 7 Creepy Actor # 1

Holy shit Willem Dafoe is beyond creepy.  Everything he does makes me feel uncomfortable, ranging from his creepily campy Green Goblin to his creepily horrible fake Mexican accent in Once Upon a Time in Mexico.  I think his creepiness comes from the fact that his mouth is waaaay too big and it makes the wrinkles on his face look like some sort of talking long haired scrotum.  That might not be the case, but he is still one of the creepiest non-fictional humans alive.

# 6 I Know You Are But What Am I

In a horror flick, a great way to get cheep scares is by using creepy children.  In a comedy a great way to get unintentional scares is with a creepy man child.  There is something very wrong with Pee Wee Herman.  You never know exactly how old he is, but one thing is for certain...he is way too old to have that many toys and behave the way that he does.  If Michael Jackson became a fictional character, he would most likely be Pee Wee Herman (minus the child molestation...ok maybe not minus the child molestation).

# 5 To the Light Carolann!!!

Poltergeist is a very creepy movie.  It has everything, a creepy kid, creepy ghosts, and a creepy killer clown doll, but all those pale in comparison to the character of Tangia.  When this creepy high pitched midget looking thing walks onto the screen, I piss my self and start crying.  Just listen to her talk, it is the most god awful, creepy sounding voice on the planet. I shutter just thinking about her.

ps  Imaging having to sleep with this woman and try not to laugh.

# 4 Creepy Actor # 2

Christopher Walken is one of my favorite people of all time, but there is no denying that he is the creepiest human being alive today.  The way that he talks makes everything that comes out of his mouth extremely creepy, in a hilarious way.  Ha can take the simplest thing like reading a children's book and make it terrifying.  I would pay an unlimited amount of money to see someone re-make the movie Face-Off and replace John Travolta and Nick Cage with Christopher Walken and Willem Dafoe.  That would be incredible.

# 3 Is He Doing A Mangina Dance While Wearing a Suit Made Out of the Skin of Dead Fat Girls?

Again, creepy can be very funny, but in the case of Buffalo Bill, it is not.  He is a serial killer who keeps fat girls in his basement so he can kill them, skin them, and make a suit out of their skin so he can be a woman.  His infamous "Mangina Dance" (which I cannot show) is one of the most unsettling visions of all time, and has ruined the song "Goodbye Horses" for all of eternity.

# 2 The Creepiest Family of All Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCg4C04MY5s&feature=channel


(Sorry video 2 is on spanish)
For those of you who do not watch "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" (start), you might not know who the McPoyles are.  Forget the Manson family, people are seriously messed up.  The main two McPoyles are Ryan and Liam who are always rocking robes with "tighty whities"; they are always overly sweaty; they drink way too much milk; and oh yeah they have sex with each other.  Once you throw in their mute/unibrowed sister Margret, you have a creepy trio that knows no match.  You don't meet the full family until season 4 (the group in the RV), and let me tell you, they only get creepier.  There has to be some serious incest  in this family because normal people do not create that caliber of creepy human beings on the reg.

# 1 Jonathan?

Salad Fingers is the inspiration behind making this list.  Usually when I come up with a list, I get a whole lot of people in mind and create a list.  Not this time, I started with # 1 and worked down in creepiness.  I cannot even begin to describe how creepy and disturbing these videos are.  Salad Fingers is one of those things that you cannot forget, no matter how much you try.  Any time you are alone and you get the feeling you are being watched, you probably are...by Salad Fingers.  Any time a noise wakes you up in the middle of the night...it's Salad Fingers.  Any time your keys, glasses, or most importantly rust spoons go missing...don't worry it's Salad Fingers.  Salad Fingers is one of those things that you cannot forget, no matter how much you try.

Wednesday Worst # 7

THE WORST LAUGH IN THE WORLD

This guy's laugh sounds like someone is torturing a baby and kicking roosters at the exact same time.  Amazing.

People Ninjas Should Assassinate #6

Lindsay Lohan

I am so absolutely sick of this non-talented bitch running around and taking up head lines.  Guess what, she is a stuck up whore with a coke problem.  Who gives a shit, someone needs to do this to her:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfdEqeyBzIY

Weekly Rant # 7

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF???  LOCKER ROOM GUYS!!!  Why in the hell do older men think it is ok to walk around the locker room completely naked.  Now I am not a prude or anything, but here is nothing worse than walking in a locker room seeing a senior citizen completely naked and having to hold a conversation with him.  This is not ok at all.  Naked people are already awkward, but old naked people are just the absolute worst.  Why do they find the need to ruin your day with their old balls?  It is gross, don't they know this?  Have you ever tried to have a meal in the locker room of a country club and try to stomach a sandwich with old white guys walking and sitting around naked reading the Chronicle?  It is impossible!  Old men need to wrap a towel around their old man parts because no one wants to look at it, and I'M SICK OF IT!!!

Friday Countdown # 6: The Top 13 People Who Really Got Their Comeuppance

# 13 Wink Wink

John Voight's character in Anaconda is a classic B movie villain.  His greed gets almost everyone killed, and his acting is so over the top, you can't help but love him.  However, after Owen Wilson gets all eated up, you know that Voight is gonna get his, and oh boy does he.  He dies in almost the exact same way as the rest of the characters, but his post regurgitation wink really sets him apart.  His comeuppance was a bit...cold blooded...wink wink.

# 12 No Wonder You're Extinct

I wish that I could find the whole scene, but alas I cannot.  Dennis Nedry, the annoyingly fat turncoat of Jurassic Park really takes it in the face in this scene.  His comeuppance comes multiple times in this awesome scene.  His fat ass falls down (which is awesome), he gets acid spit in his eyes, he bangs his head on the car, and then he gets savagely eaten.  "Ahahah, you didn't say the magic word", is the magic word comeuppance times three?

# 11 A Dinner Guest



(skip to about 6 minutes)
Dr. Chilton was such a smug asshole in Silence of the Lambs, and you hope that he gets what is coming to him.  This is one of the rare cases when one of the "good guys" really deserves a terrible fate and boy does he get one.  Although it happens off screen, you have a pretty good idea what is going to happen to the Dr. who spent years tormenting and fucking with Hannibal Lecter.  Dinner is served, and it is a big steaming plate of your liver with a side of comeuppance!

# 10 A Whole Freaking Clip

Nina Meyers of 24 is such a bitch.  She betrays CTU, kills Jack Bauer's wife, and worst of all she evades her comeuppance for three whole seasons.  She is a nasty, mean traitor who will kill anyone she has to in order to survive.  You hate her so much and every time she escapes you hate her even more, but even the devil can't outrun fate.  When Jack finally corners her, he empties an entire clip of comeuppance into her chest and face.

# 9 Thank You Chuck Norris

White Goodman is a top of the line piece of shit.  He does everything in his power to make sure that the Mom and Pop "rival" gym goes under.  I mean who does that?  Everything he does is so insanely sleazy that it makes you feel a bit dirty watching him.  You know that the good guys are going to win and with a little help from Chuck Norris they do.  White Goodman gets his morbidly obese comeuppance Walker, Texas Ranger style.

# 8 You Know Who I Am and You Know What I'm Gonna Do

His name is Inigo Montoya, you killed his father, prepare to die.  You hear him say his "catch phrase" so many times that it becomes annoying and you cannot wait for him to find the man with six fingers and make him pay.  When they finally meet up, Inigo takes a knife to the stomach but does that stop him...hell no.  He has been training and hunting for years for the chance to give the deformed Christopher Guest some cold steel, and he does.  He gets his comeuppance broken record style.

# 7 Consider This a Divorce

Sharon Stone was so hot in Total Recall that you knew she would end up bad, and no surprise, she does.  The plot is so hard to follow that it is not worth getting into, but she is Aronld's fake wife who is working for an evil corporation, and she tries to kill him...strange.  Any ways she kicks Arnold in the nuts and right then and there, you know she is going to get it.  Divorce via bullet to the dome, thats comeuppance OJ style.

# 6 No What You Have Are Bullets

V for Vendetta is a great flick about people getting what is coming to them.  Masked vigilante V goes on a killing spree, knocking off everyone who wronged him (in a big way).  When the last two assholes are lined up for the kill, he goes to town.  He even tells the antagonist Creedy how he is going to kill him, and it is a lot more graphic than expected.  "This will end with my hands around your throat", comeuppance via foreshadowing.

# 5 I Will Have My Vengeance In This Life or the Next

Oh man Commodus is such a sniveling piece of shit, you wait the entire movie for him to just fucking die.  He does everything to warrant the worst possible death including trying to kill Maximus, killing Maximus' family, mocking his dead family, etc.  What a spoiled little shit, and he really gets it bad.  A knife made of comeuppance stabbed sloooooooowly into his neck.

# 4 Comeuppance Up the Wazoo

This one is fantastic and comes out of nowhere.  Zed and the pawn shop owner are such minor characters in the film, but they have such a huge impact, you want the worst possible thing ever to happen to them.  This is hands down the most ruthless comeuppance on the list (a shotgun blast to the balls), but it is still not the most deserving.  Marcelles Wallace is going to have some heavy pipe hitting comeuppance come and destroy his rapist ass!

# 3 The Deadly Viper Squad

It takes a cold mother fucker to beat up and shoot a pregnant woman in the head during her wedding rehearsal, and anyone who pulls this off deserves the worst comeuppance of all time.  When The Bride wakes up she does just that, stopping at nothing, and delivering all members of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad her own form of justice.  A knife to the chest, an eye removal, a super scalping, and an exploding heart prove that hell hath no fury like a trained deadly assassin woman scorned.  Comeuppance times 4.

# 2 A Fiery Car Crash

This one makes number two because not only is it a great example of karma going to get you, but this takes it to a whole new level.  The O'Doyle family of Billy Maddison is a family of ginger bullies (kind of a strange combo) that haunt Billy from grades 1-12.  They are not that bad of people, really your run of the mill general bullies, but kids are taught a very important lesson.  If you EVER bully another child, your car will fly off a cliff and you will DIE!  Comeuppance to the XTREME!!!

# 1 I Want It Now

Oh my fucking God you hate this bitch from the first second you see her.  She is the most awful spoiled brat in the entire world and one the first kid gets knocked off, you cannot wait for this spoiled twat to get whats coming to her.  Everything about her is loathsome, and although her (hopeful) death happens off screen, you stand up and cheer you ass.  She gets her comeuppance children's film style, and no one deserves to die more!

Wednesday Worst # 6

Today we will have a double feature!!! I have seen the worst that the Internet has to offer and I have survived them all. 2 Girls 1 Cup, child's play; The Pain Olympics, pshhh its for amateurs; Mr Hands, bush league; 1 Guy 1 Jar, although it is visibly tough to watch, I can survive.  Here are two videos that are so incredibly painful that I have yet to be able to finish either.  Enjoy if you dare:

PARTY IN THE UGA


Every college student has hated both orientation and their orientation leader because they are so saccharine and full of fake positivity.  I want to congratulate the University of Georgia for taking the God awful experience that is orientation to the next level of suck.  Way to go Dawgs!

THE WORST INTERVIEW EVER

This is the perfect example why kids should not be home schooled.  This kid has the social skill of a communist toddler who has never tasted freedom.  He is so awkward and terrible that he should be euthanized on the spot to save him from a lifetime of ridicule and an overwhelming virginity.  The sad part is that it is all his creepy parent's fault.

People Ninjas Should Assassinate #5

The Westboro Baptist Church

Not to get too political or express my views on religion rights in the US, but these people are just pieces of shit. They protest the funerals of dead soldiers, homosexuals, and celebrities.  They have signs like "Thank God for 9/11", "Thank God for IEDs", "Thank God for Dead Soldies", etc.
Their web sites:
www.godhatesfags.com
www.godhatesamerica.com
and for some reason www.godhatessweeden.com
should give you a good idea of how these pieces of shit feel.  They deserve to have all of  this happen to them:

Weekly Rant # 6

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF??? MYTHBUSTERS!  I am so damn sick of this show, and the elitist attitude people get by watching this garbage.  I cannot tell you how many times I have been having a conversation about anything cool and someone says "No, no, no they proved that wrong on Mythbusters!"I fucking hate that!  Keep your opinion to yourself!  I am having a conversation and you basically call me a liar to my face.  Guess what, those fucking dorks on Mythbusters are not the end all to myths.  Just because they can't prove something or disprove it doesn't mean that it isn't true.  I am not going to listen to a fucking tool with a walrus mustache and a barrette.  What the hell is that all about, he actually looks like a gay walrus.  Not to mention, that they are the most pompous and arrogant people on television.  They literally remind me of the South Park episode where everyone in San Francisco likes the smell of their own farts.  Mythbusters sucks, people who use Mythbusters to justify their own lack of knowledge suck, and anyone who wears a barrette sucks.  I hate this show and I hate their fan base, people need to find out thing for themselves and stop listening to these jack offs because I'M SICK OF IT!!!

Wednesday Worst # 5

THE WORST KUNG FU MOVIE AUDITIONS EVER

This is an old one, but it is one of my favorite videos of all time.

People Ninjas Should Assassinate #4

PEOPLE WHO WEAR AFFLICTION SHIRTS

Unless you are sponsored by Affliction, there is never an excuse to wear this shit.  If you are not a fighter and you wear an Afflitcion shirt, it should be perfectly legal to beat the shit out of them.  Or at least have a ninja do this:

Weekly Rant # 5

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF???  HATS!!!  Don't get me wrong, I love a good baseball cap, but people need to learn how to fucking wear them properly.  I remember growing up when I got a new hat, I wouldn't even think about wearing it in public unless the the bill was perfectly formed and the hat fit perfectly.  Why??? Because if it wasn't fit properly you looked like a fucking dork.  Now a days total D-Bags don't even bother to make their hat "their own", and they look like fucking tools. They have flat brims, price tags, and don't even wear the hat (they just barely place it on their heads).  Listen up, you don't look cool or gangsta', you look like a Jersey Shore reject piece of trashy shit.  Hats used to have a purpose, they kept the sun out of your eyes, or kept your head warm, or kept your friends from seeing your new shitty hair cut.  What the hell happened?  Why is it acceptable to wear your hats like this?  It shouldn't be and we need to do something about it.  I decree that anytime you see a "dude" rocking the hat barely on his head, with price tags still on, and a flat brim; you should go up and play the "do you know who is in town...flipper" or the "what kind of a gun is this...a cap gun".  Knock his hat off his head and hopefully in a muddy puddle or possibly the feces of a hobo.  These fuckers need to learn to wear their hats right...BECAUSE I'M SICK OF IT!!!

Friday Countdown # 5: The Top 13 Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen Moments in Movies

*WARNING* this countdown will contain a shit ton of spoilers for movies!  Sorry.


# 13 Vampire Attack in From Dusk Til Dawn



I might be alone on this one, but the first time that I saw this movie, I had no fucking idea that it was about vampires.  I though I was watching some twisted movie about two bank robbers trying to get down to Mexico, and I was duped until the vampires attacked (check out 1:50 in the video).  My jaw honestly hit the floor, and I was thrown for a total loop.  Call me stupid, but I was honestly shocked at the supped change of pace in the movie, and it kicked ass.  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  Did this movie just change from a bank heist thriller to a vampire survival horror flick in 10 seconds?

# 12 The Carwash Scene from The Crazies

Haha I love scenes like this.  It is one of those how are they going to make it out of this sticky situation; oh thank God they survived; oh wait never mind the chick gets killed.  There are a lot of scenes similar to this in a lot of movies, but this one is just so ridiculous that I had to mention it.  I mean seriously, of all the ways that "Crazy" could have killed her...just glorious.  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen? Thank you Cartter for that one, it is great.

# 11 Sloth Scene from Seven

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7J02CRoYUk&feature=related
(sorry some dickhead won't let me use their video)

Seven is one of those movies that after you see it, you won't ever be the same again.  The whole movie is awesome, but the Sloth scene is by far my favorite and makes you jump and scream "Holy Fuck!"  The atmosphere and tension of the scene is amazing up until the massive jump scare when you realize that this obvious corpse is still alive.  It is almost enough to make a grown man shit himself, and it is so effectively done.  This is the only "jump scare" on the list because it is the greatest in movie history.  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  How the hell is that guy still alive?

# 10 The Death of Optimus Prime and others in Transformers: The Movie



Holy shit, I can trace the death of my childhood to the very first time that I saw this movie.  The people over at Hasboro decided that it was time to start a new toy line of Transformers so what do they do?  They decide to kill off almost every one of my favorite childhood characters including the big two Optimus Prime and Megatron.  Starting with the opening scene, the whole movie was a blood bath (actually more like a grease bath), and for a kid who did not know that cartoon characters could die...it was traumatic.  I sat helplessly with my mouth opened and tears in my eyes, as one by one they knocked off my hero's.  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  Transformers can die?  What the fuck?

ps  They tried to do the same thing in the GI Joe animated movie by killing off Duke, but they pussed out in the end and he survived.

# 9 The Opening Scene from Punisher: War Zone



Don't get me wrong, this movie is pretty shitty, but man do I love it.  After I was seriously disappointed by the 1st PG-13 Punisher movie, I didn't know what to expect from the low budget sequel.  The opening scene really helps set the tone for the movie, and it is so violent and surprising, I had to rewind it several times in order to soak it all in.  Wait, hold on...what the fuck...did that really just happen?  Did he just cut the head off of a paraplegic? For fuck's sake.

# 8 Johnny Depp's Bed from A Nightmare on Elm Street



This is hands down the most bizarre moment on the list, but it had me scratching my head asking what the fuck just happened none the less.  Here we have one of our protagonists (who we all knew was eventually going to die) lying in bed and Freddy grabs him and sucks him into the bed...weird, but what comes after that is what really gets ya.  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  How the fuck did that much blood come pouring out of the bed on to the ceiling?  Thats not how gravity works...

# 7 "I am Your Father"

This one was kind of ruined for me because I remember seeing Return of the Jedi before Empire Strikes back which kinda ruins the surprise, but it is still one of the most shocking moments in cinema history.  The main villain is the hero's father...badass.  Here is some nerd Ryan trivia for ya, this twist was so awesome that the secret was kept from even the actors until the scene was shot.  The only people who knew were Mark Hammil (Luke Skywalker) and James Earl Jones (the voice of Darth Vader).  Even the actor who physically played Darth Vader was kept in the dark until he saw the screening.  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  Has he really been trying to kill his son, daughter, and their friends?  I know that he is evil, but still, what an asshole.

# 6 Everyone Dies The Departed

This one is so gut wrenching.  You are pulling for Leo's character so badly and you fucking Matt Damon so much.  He has been through so much bullshit; he has the rat in custody; everything is going to be ok

# 5 Samuel L. Jackson's Inspirational Speech from Deep Blue Sea



This has to be one of the greatest moments in cinema history.  It rivals the shower scene from Psycho and the opening freeway crash from Final Destination 2.  Here we have the biggest actor in the movie giving an inspirational speech on how the team has to band together to defeat these genetically engineered sharks in a sinking oceanic research facility (this was an Oscars screw job for best screenplay if I've ever seen one).  "We are going to pull together and find a way to get out of here"... fuck yeah you tell 'em Samuel L!  "First we are going to seal off this..." Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  Did a giant shark really just jump up and eat the best actor in this movie?  Well it was either him or L.L Cool J, there is no way hollywood would let two black actors survive a horror movie.  I guess they made the right choice...

# 4 The Village Massacre from Rambo

Holy fuck this movie does not pull any punches.  It is violent and action packed, but nothing can prepare you for the attack scene on this helpless Cambodian village.  It is one of the only times that I have ever had my jaw actually hurt from being so aghast.  When you see the first American missionary blow up into little bloody pieces, you know it is not going to be pleasant, and after you see the first kid get shot, it's all down hill from there.  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  Did they just stab a kid with a bayonet, lift him over his head and throw him into a burning building?  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  Did they just take a baby away from a screaming mother and toss it into a fire...yes.  Yes they did


# 3 Hello Zepp


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=deAkIoEe16w
(again a dickhead won't let me rip off his video)

I am a huge fan of the Saw series, not for the gore or the traps, but for the twist endings (take a note M. Night).  I now look for them in movies and I am pretty good at figuring them out, but nothing caught me off guard like the ending of the first Saw.  After they kill the guy who has been terrorizing Dr. Gordon (minus one foot)'s family, you think everything is ok until...oh fuck a tape recorder (cue the awesome Saw music)?  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...the guy who you think is the killer is not Jigsaw...(camera pans out to the dead body that has been on the ground the entire movie with a bullet in his head who stands up).   Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen...Jigsaw had been immobile and in the bathroom the whole time?  What a mind fuck.

# 2  The Greatest Trick the Devil Ever Pulled



I can say that without a doubt that this is the greatest twist ending of all time (again fuck you M. Night you hack).  Kevin Spacey does such a great job pulling you into the story, that you never for a single second see it coming.  I was unfortunate enough to see Scary Movie spoof the ending of the Usual Suspects before I saw the Usual Suspects, and the ending still shocked the shit out of me.  The look on the detective's face when he starts realizing that he (and we) had been duped is priceless.  Wait, Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?  The entire movie I just watched was an elaborate lie, and I fell for it...bravo Keyser Soze.  Bravo.

# 1 Five People, Four Bullets

Ok I lied when I said that The Departed had the most gut wrenching ending on the list.  It doesn't hold a candle to the ending of The Mist (not to be mistaken for the shitfest The Fog).  I cannot put into words how painful of an ending this is, so I will set you up like Dominos and let you fall.  The military opened a portal to a dimension that brought a mist that has covered everything and monsters are running around killing everyone.  After trying to fend for their lives against the monsters and a religious zealot in a grocery store, the main character, his young son, an elderly man, an old lady, and a young chick (the love interest because Thomas Jane's wife has already been killed by monsters) escape in a car and try to out run the mist.  The car runs out of gas, there are monsters everywhere, you have 5 people and 4 bullets, and Hold On...What the Fuck...Did That Really Just Happen?

ps the chick in the end tried to get everyone to leave with her at the very start of the film.  Ouch!

Wednesday Worst # 4

The Worst Michael Jackson Ripoff Ever

Why do Indian people think they can ripoff anything they want.  Either way I cannot decide rather this is horrible or 100% awesome.  You decide.

Tuesday's Things That Need to Make a Comeback part 3

SPORTS CARDS

I absolutely loved collecting sports cards when I was younger.  I  remember when my father would take my brothers and I to Sports Memorabilia conventions over at the George R Brown Convention center, and they kicked ass.  We would spend hours there, and always come back with something cool (albeit useless).  My older brother had the monopoly on baseball cards, I rocked out the basketball cards, and Cartter being the youngest was stuck with lame-ass hockey cards.  I know that there is not much of a market these days for the cards, but it was so much damn fun as a kid, and it is a shame that this generation may never know the joy of owing a sick ass rookie card worth a shit ton.

Weekly Rant # 4

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF?!?!?  Young kids (especially girls) who drive very expensive cars.  Now this might be a conflict of interest because of where I work, but I cannot stand seeing sub 25 year olds driving around in Lexus', BMWs, Mercedes', or any other car that is worth more than my truck.  What the fuck have these people done to deserve a fancy luxury car?  FUCKING NOTHING!  Sure they are blessed with wealthy families who have probably worked hard for their money, good for them, but they personally haven't done shit to earn a $75,000 car.  Some people might claim that I am "just jealous" or a "hater" (don't get me started on the word hater), but honestly I am not. To add to my frustration, a lot of these kids have the mindset that they deserve these flash cars.  Again, they don't, and to get back to an earlier rant, if a kid gets one because they are a "princess" or a "diva", their parents should be executed on the spot. It just sickens me that parents will spend that much money on kids who can barely even fucking drive to begin with.  There are no worse drivers than teenagers (besides women on cell phones, blind people, congenital amputees, cops, and asians), and putting them behind the wheel of a 2012 Lexus LFA is just asking for disaster.  Parents need to buck up and force their kids to earn their cars, because I'M SICK OF IT!

ps, if you are ever in public and you hear a 16-28 year old girl say "do you know who my father/daddy is", you can legally hit her with a hammer or bar stool.

Thanks Cook for the suggestion.

Friday Countdown # 4: The Top 13 Things That Scared the Shit Out of Me As a Kid

# 13 The Gate



I am not sure what it was about this movie, but when I was young it scarred me shit.  It had zombies, little goblins, ghosts, and for some reason the main character had an eye on his hand.  His friend and sister both die, and monsters are everywhere.  I recently watched this movie again, and I am ashamed that it frightened me so badly as a child.  I was such a wuss.

# 12 Troll 2



I am ashamed to admit that this movie terrified me as a child.  Troll 2 is ranked as the worst movie of all time and for good reason.  It has hands down the worst acting, story, special effects, and costumes; but to a 10 year old it is still scary.  What really got to me was the ending, you thought everything was ok, then the kid walks in on the "trolls" eating his mom, and the movie ends.  I watch the movie now and I literally laugh my ass off, but it still doesn't make up for the damage it did to me as a child.

# 11 Spiders

I love my parents to death, but the had horrible judgement on what was an appropriate movie to show a child.  By the age of 8 I had already seen The Exorcist, Alien, and Cape Fear, but they did not have nearly the damage that Arachnophobia had.  It was supposed to be a dark comedy, but I didn't find anything about it funny in the slightest.  It sparked a fear of spiders that I never had, and sadly still have to this day.  I would have nightmares of 1000s of spiders coming out of my AC vent in my room or the drain in my bath tub. It didn't help that I was bit in the hand by a Brown Recluse when I was in the 3rd grade.  I HATE spiders!

# 10 Gmork From the Neverending Story

Holy fucking shit was this thing scary!!!  A giant wolf that hid in a cave waiting to kill you.  It's teeth were gigantic, its voice was freaky as shit, and oh yeah it is going to fucking kill you.  I hated this movie because of this one scene, and could hardly make it through.  What the hell were the film makers putting something so damn scary in a kids movie?  Oh well what do I know, I was kind of a puss.

# 9 Under My Bed

After seeing this scene, I never let my legs dangle from my bed.  Also, I would take a running jump to get in, there was no fucking way I was going to let something under my bed slice my achilles tendon.  There were so many monsters under there, I didn't want to take the chance.  Shit that would hurt.

# 8 Godzilla



Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved Godzilla movies growing up.  Giant monster movies have always and will always kick ass, but when I was younger I was 100% convinced that Godzilla was coming to get me, and only me.  I always imagined him coming out of the ocean or over a mountain with the sole intention of crushing me.  It is weird that when I would go to the beach I was more afraid of Godzilla getting me than Jaws.

# 7 Freddy and Jason





I will admit that when I was growing up, I was way too terrified to ever watch A Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th, but every kid who grew up in the 80s knew exactly who Freddy and Jason are.   Just the mere mention of their names would spark fear in any child under the ago of 12.  Now that I am older, I thank God that I never had the balls to watch one of those movies because i Troll 2 scared me, these movies would have hospitalized my bitch ass.

# 6 The Wampus Cat

Summer Camp is supposed to be a place for s boy to have fun and go wild.  Now anyone who knows me knows that is exactly what I do at Camp, but when I was a very young camper that was not the case. I heard tales of The Wampus Cat who would maim or eat campers who were out of their beds or breaking the rules.  I had an image of a monstrous black cat that was covered in blood that would tear kids to pieces, and that was enough to make me piss my pants.  I was so scared of the Wampus Cat that my fear wasn't exclusive to camp.  I thought it was going to get me anywhere.  I hated going outdoors after nightfall in fear that it would kill me.  Thanks for that Camp.

# 5 Large Marge

Holy fucking shit, this scene came out of nowhere.  Here you are watching an innocent kids movie about our favorite weirdo Pee-Wee Herman, and this scene comes completely out of left field and scares the shit out of you.  I was physically unable to watch this scene when I was younger.  I would get up, leave the room and wait for my much braver older brother to tell me when it was over.  It was a very cruel joke when he would tell me it was over even though it wasn't.  What the fuck is wrong with Tim Burton?

In an honorable mention, here is the other part of Pee-Wee's Big Adventure that scared the shit out of me:

# 4 Gremlins

In another honorable mention, here is the scene that ruined my childhood and pissed off parents nation wide:

# 3 Dolls

How could anyone ever want a doll growing up? I don't care who you are, dolls are fucking scary.  Even before the movie Child's Play, dolls have always and will always be creepy as shit.  My mom had this doll that she kept in our attic, when I would go to bed, I would go out of my way to close the attic door so I wouldn't have to even look at it.  I am so glad that I didn't have a sister growing up with a doll collection, I would have been so murdered by now. 

# 2 The Wooden Spoon

There were fewer things more frightening than the sight of mother brandishing her weapon of choice, the wooden spoon.  When she pulled out her Excalibur, you knew that you were in for the beating of a lifetime.  My mom was like a damn ninja with that thing, and to this day I refuse to have one in my kitchen because I know the damage that it can cause.  Fuck looking for WMDs, there is no weapon scarier than a pissed of mom with a wooden spoon. SHUTTER

# 1 Clowns


There is nothing in the world scarier than a fucking clown.  Even when they are not trying to be scary, clowns are fucking scary.  Even before I saw the movie It (which ruined me more than any movie ever), I was terrified of clowns.  I'm not sure what it is about them, but I cannot stand the sight, their hair, their smiles, their outfits; everything about a clown is terrifying and fucking off putting.  If I ever become king of the world, I will have every single clown in the world executed.